


Stuck on a Desert Island

by idanato



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Ferdinand is anti time travel, Fluff and Angst, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Modern AU, Playing animal crossing, Shower Sex, Workout sex, background Linhardt/Ferdinand, hubert loves fire emblem meta, odd couple dynamic, past ferdibert, quarantine buddies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23470840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idanato/pseuds/idanato
Summary: Extenuating circumstances cause Hubert to invite Caspar, his friend (?) with benefits, into his condo, but more importantly he invites him onto his Animal Crossing island, and they learn a great deal about each other and their relationship.aka a Casbert modern AUmaybe only 2 people wantedhalf a dozen casbert shippers can't be wrong!
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 63
Kudos: 49





	1. Humble Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure, the extenuating circumstance that brings Casbert together is a quarantine because that is life right now. It's not very specific but if you're not looking for a reminder of the real world...
> 
> Also, spoilers for animal crossing new horizons

They met by way of Grindr. Not Hubert’s Grindr account of course, which he had never really used (fine, maybe once or twice). His profile picture was an artistic shadowy shot of himself where you couldn’t really make out his face but you could see he had a decent enough body. Ferdinand’s profile picture was him hugging his dog. Ferdinand got a lot more hits. One of those was a young grad student named Linhardt who fell asleep at Ferdinand’s place post-hook up and essentially refused to leave. This was how a one Caspar von Bergliez crashed into Hubert’s pristine, clean world like a wrecking ball made of pizza grease and yelled opinions. That had been seven months ago.

Their first encounter was at a high end brunch place when Ferdinand and Linhardt wanted to introduce their best friends to each other because they were becoming a serious thing, although at the time Hubert had not appreciated how serious because it was hard to take Linhardt seriously. It was even harder to take Caspar seriously.

This place was one of the trendier brunch places in Enbarr, and because it had just opened it was packed. There was an hour long wait that Ferdinand and Hubert dutifully stood through. They chatted about work and their latest video games while Ferdinand texted Lin. Hubert was still playing Fire Emblem Three Houses, almost exclusively, as he attempted each route on maddening mode. The Untitled Goose Game was the only other thing he was picking up; something about being a troublesome goose just really spoke to him. Ferdinand was playing Nintendogs and Stardew Valley every day like clockwork. Both were looking forward to Animal Crossing, even though it was delayed.

Hubert was annoyed that they was the ones waiting for this table and not the whole group, but Linhardt never arrived anywhere on time. He fell out of his rideshare about 45 minutes into the wait. His friend was nowhere to be seen.

Hubert had spent way too much time getting dressed for this stupid brunch even though after trying on most of his clothes he had settled on his usual black button up and black jeans. Black belt, black leather chelsea boots, black underwear, just in case. He fretted he’d used too much hair product but he ran out of time to fix that with another shower. Ferdinand told him his jeans should be tighter, but Hubert didn’t like restrictions on his junk. Ferdinand was wearing a very slim fitting tan chino pant with a well tailored brick red button down. He made it casual with a Faerghian tuck and his hair loose. These two were professional brunchers. Edelgard expected nothing less.

Linhardt was less. He looked like he had rolled out of bed and into the car and onto the curb. His hair was half up in a bun, half down, and his glasses were sliding off his face. His green sweater drowned him in a cozy fluffiness that Hubert thought looked like a sleeping bag. Perhaps that was on purpose.

“Where’s your friend?” asked Hubert as Lin and Ferdie fawned over each other.

Linhardt looked up, “He’ll be here. Eventually.”

Eventually was after the drink orders were placed — Hubert: coffee and an extra spicy Bloody Mary, Linhardt: mimosa, Ferdinand: some tea cocktail, order for mystery friend placed by Linhardt: the cheapest light beer available — Caspar crashed his bike into a parking meter that he then locked it to. He was in cutoffs and a muscle tank with a backwards baseball cap and just coated in a splattered something.

“Fuck, sorry, I wasn’t familiar with the part of town I woke up in,” announced the compact meat head for the whole restaurant as he scooted into his chair. Hubert stared in disbelief; this was a nice place and this little muscular bro had come straight from a rave. He looked like he had two brain cells, one dedicated to lifting weights, and the other to partying.

Linhardt beamed at his friend, “This is Caspar, my best friend since elementary school.”

“’Sup,” said Caspar before taking a swig of his beer. He smelled like a rave too.

“So great to finally meet you, as you probably know, I’m Ferdie,” said Ferdinand, the picture of politeness. “And this is Hubert, my best friend since, well, we hated each other in elementary school.”

“We still hate each other,” said Hubert sarcastically, although sometimes when work got stressful they bickered like no other.

“Have you two fucked?” asked Caspar as he looked between them.

The answer was none of your business, and yes. Ferdinand was red, Hubert was white, Linhardt was not looking mortified enough for Hubert’s comfort. Ferdinand recovered first, “Um, we have. We never dated, just friends, with benefits, for a time.” It was a good time, and it could have been more, but they both agreed they couldn’t seriously date and work together. However neither wanted to be the one to quit working for Edelgard. Hubert tried not to be jealous of Ferdinand’s rotating cast of boyfriends, and Hubert had no boyfriends for Ferdinand to be jealous of. In Hubert’s head, none of those dumb boyfriends stood a chance and then Ferdinand would just quit his job and be Hubert’s house husband…but that never happened and Lin looked here to stay. Besides Ferdinand was way too ambitious to quit, and Hubert was way too loyal to Edelgard to leave.

Linhardt and Ferdinand started pouring over the menu so they could both order something the other wanted to try. It was gag-inducing cute. Hubert already had a regular brunch order regardless of the place — Eggs Leicester — and so he tried to engage with the spiky blue haired gremlin that had sat itself at the table.

“You have something on your face,” said Hubert as discreetly as possible. It was code for, go to the bathroom and clean the fuck up.

“What is it?” Caspar scratched at the faint broken glow stick splatter. That did not seem like something that should be in contact with skin. That was asking for face cancer.

“I think it’s a dick,” whispered Hubert as he squinted at the crude dickpiction.

Caspar did not look at all embarrassed. He snorted, “It probably is.” He made no moves to go try and get rid of it.

“So, um, what do you do?” Other than getting dicks drawn on his face that was.

“I deliver flowers,” said Caspar. That seemed unexpectedly wholesome for about three seconds. “Dressed in a speedo, and uh, I usually sing a little greeting or something, it really depends. It’s usually people pranking each other, but once in a while I get a serious one.”

“That sounds humiliating,” said Hubert as he imagined a nearly naked Caspar serenading someone in an office.

“Eh, for them, not me,” said Caspar as he scratched at his exposed midriff and the trail of blue hair going down into the waistband of his shorts. He looked like he would probably look really nice in just a speedo with flowers. Caspar sighed, “I had trouble finding a job after school, and this is where I landed. I thought it would be temporary, but, I kinda like it.”

“What did you major in?”

“Elementary Education,” said Caspar. “I want to be a gym teacher, but, there’s usually only one or two at a school and I haven’t seen any hiring ads. I’m a substitute right now, but, that’s spotty. I really need to pin down a full time gig.”

Hubert didn’t care much for kids, but he would not let this dick face painted degenerate near any youth. He wondered what Caspar’s resume looked like. It was probably riddled with spelling mistakes.

Following brunch Ferdinand and Linhardt wanted to hold hands and walk through the park. Hubert did not want to spend his precious day off with them looking so adorable. Caspar also looked bored as he walked his bike beside the group.

“Well this has been fun, but I think I’m going to go home,” said Hubert stiffly as he mentally mapped out his route home. He’d take the metro, that would be easier than trying to hail a cab.

“You want a ride?” asked Caspar as he hopped on his bike and stared at Hubert with an appraising eye.

“What on your handlebars?” Hubert looked at the bike dubiously. Caspar’s exposed thighs and calves looked like he biked a ton. Maybe a ride was in order.

Caspar just winked as he adjusted his short ass shorts, “Eh something like that.”

Hubert wasn’t good a flirting. Hubert wasn’t good at reading signs either but when they were shouted he understood them. This was how he ended up in Caspar’s gross east side co-op instead of in his own upper west side Enbarr condo. Black underwear and wallet condom for the win, thought Hubert as Caspar roughly tore off his own tank. “I know I’m gross, so I’m going to shower, if you want in,” offered Caspar. Hubert did want to get his hair gel out and sure, shower sex was great, especially when he wasn’t responsible for the water bill.

Hubert was used to being the bigger partner, that just came with the territory of being 6’2” (except for that one Grindr hit with that blond giant that never texted him back after their hookup), but he had never been with someone who barely came up to his shoulders. Caspar made up for any height differences with sheer physical strength. That’s how Hubert found himself with his back against cold soap scummy tile and shivering as Caspar turned off the water and continued to thrust while holding Hubert up, “Gotta watch out for the environment man, need to leave some water for the fish.”

Caspar’s little room in the co-op was a fucking wreck. He had a TV up on pizza boxes with a N64 hooked up and piles of laundry all over the place. Hubert cautiously got dressed as he looked around and tried to glean some information about who Caspar was. There were ribbons from winning high school wrestling competitions, and a goofy fantasy sword up on the wall. There was a picture of Caspar and what could be an older brother that was clearly cut out of a bigger picture with other people. There were stacks and stacks of old school rap CDs and a big stereo that was some vestige of decades past.

“You and Lin went to school together?” verified Hubert.

“Yup, fancy ass private school,” said Caspar as he pulled on gym shorts bearing the name of said academy, _Garreg Mach_.

He had to have come from money, Lin was loaded as far as Hubert could tell, but Caspar’s present living situation seemed dire. “So this is what a flower delivery paycheck gets you?”

Caspar laughed and turned on his TV, “Yup. I uh, I pissed off my parents to the point they kicked me out so here I am, living my life in Enbarr.”

“Oh, sorry,” muttered Hubert, who was no stranger to pissing off his parents. However, Hubert was an only child with a sizable trust fund, and his father had passed a couple years ago so Hubert didn’t have to keep pretending they got along. He saw his mother for major holidays and did a weekly phone call, but that was it. 

“Wanna play Mario Kart?” asked Caspar as he held up a slightly discolored controller. It was Hubert’s day off so he stayed for a couple races, and ended up exchanging numbers with the hope that maybe there would be some more casual shower sex in the future.


	2. Temporary Housing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out writing about self isolation is pretty cathartic when you're in self isolation.

Seven months of sporadically hooking up and a few humiliating serenades at the office as a joke later, current events in the world got grim. Hubert watched in disbelief as Enbarr shut down to stop the spread of an unprecedented virus. Edelgard and her wife split for their vacation home on the coast, and Ferdinand brought Linhardt to his parents' isolated mountain home upstate. Both Edelgard and Ferdinand offered for Hubert join them, but, he was choosing to stay in Enbarr. He just wanted to be there, even as things got worse, because this city was his home and he weirdly wished to stay there in some misguided last stand. Plus all his stuff was here. If anything he was going to go home to take care of his mother in the suburbs, but for now she was insisting things were fine.

Hubert lived in a comfortable two bedroom condo, and his job as Edelgard’s personal assistant was largely doable by telecommuting. It wasn’t as if she was going to any events these days anyway. He felt very grateful for these things as he went to the store and stocked up on flour and yeast and decided this was his year for learning to make bread. Mayor Arundel finally issued a stay at home order for non essential personnel after receiving a ton of flack for inaction, and Hubert hunkered down for the long haul. He had resisted panic buying and had perfectly prepared for riding this out alone for the next eight weeks, even though he was hoping it would be more like three.

Other than transitioning to working from home and not seeing Edelgard all the time, life was more or less unchanged because Hubert hadn’t exactly had a raging social life before the apocalypse. Hubert still spent a lot of his free time playing Fire Emblem Three Houses even though the game had been out for easily eight or nine months. It was just simply the best strategy RPG available for the Switch at the moment and he couldn’t put it down even as other games tried to tempt him away and Ferdinand begged him to join him in Stardew Valley. Linhardt was in Stardew Valley, and therefore Hubert had no desire to play it.

Hubert had beaten each Fire Emblem route on maddening and knew the game inside and out at this point. He loved the more villainous characters and spent far too much time writing up lengthy character analyses and posting his ridiculously maxed out builds. These were deftly ignored on the platforms he lurked around and instead got him a shit ton of Blue Lion stan DMs telling him to go die. Hubert was undeterred, even as the fandom made him feel far older than 28. Every once in a while he had too much to drink and ended up commissioning porn from fan artists which was how he’d ended up with a pretty sizable print of a naked Chrom (Hubert’s favorite husbando; he knew he had it bad when he benched Sumia as punishment after her flirtatious cutscene) hung up in his office. He’d learned the hard way that he needed to hide that during a Zoom meeting. Now however, Fire Emblem was going to be replaced in his gaming queue, and he was impatiently waiting for his digital download of Animal Crossing to finally fucking go live.

The release was at midnight in Derdriu, and the beauty of being on the west coast was that he was going to get to play at 9 pm and get a head start on his island. Hubert was so eager for this game that he had even taken Friday off (Hubert essentially never took off unless he was dying). He was going to abuse the ability to time travel to unlock content, and then pester Ferdinand with screen shots of all his superior things. Ferdinand thought that time traveling was an ignoble way to play the game. Hubert was already reveling in how mad he was going to make him.

Hubert was “three” days of play in when his phone dinged with a text. He assumed it was fellow time travel enthusiast Dorothea trying to barter for more iron, and was honestly surprised when it wasn’t.

 **Caspar** : I’m fucked.

Hubert tried to text with one hand while playing with the other. He was on a gold mine tarantula island, and he was going to pay for so much infrastructure from this. It was definitely possible that Caspar was hammered and looking for a booty call, because if anyone was ignoring social distancing it was probably Caspar. Autocorrect might have fixed the more typical “wyna fuk?!” that usually clued Hubert into the fact that if he didn’t go tuck Caspar in for the night it would be anyone’s guess where that guy was going to wake up. Hubert had also convinced Caspar that getting regularly screened for STDs at Manuela’s free clinic was what cool people did because who knew where he was half the time or what the hell he was picking up. So far so good, but texts like this kept Hubert’s vigilance constant.

 **Hubert** : What’s going on?

 **Caspar** : Gettin evicted :(

 **Caspar** : btw ur awake???

Hubert did a double take. Eviction couldn’t be legal, there was a mortgage freeze! Enbarr was under a state of emergency order. No, Caspar had to be mistaken, this was literally all over the news. Hubert put down his controller and focused on his phone. His villager was promptly bit by a tarantula and fainted. He looked at his watch, no wonder Caspar was surprised Hubert had responded, it was 2 am.

Hubert just hit call because he could not text and play. “They can’t evict you, we’re in a state of emergency,” said Hubert as he crept towards a tarantula in the game.

“Yeah, but I’m not on the lease,” said Caspar. His voice sounded wet and raw. That made Hubert pay attention; of course Caspar would live somewhere without any legal protections. Hubert was hardly an expert on tenant’s rights but he expected that complicated things.

“Do you need help moving your stuff?” Hubert had a car.

“I don’t have anywhere to move to,” said Caspar. “Fuck, I don’t even have cash right now. I was laid off two weeks ago. I can’t even afford a motel.”

Hubert took a deep breath. Under normal circumstances, Hubert would not be cool with this, but these were crazy times and Caspar was the longest term fuck buddy Hubert had ever had besides Ferdinand. They were certainly not boyfriends, and they had never been on a proper date unless taking Caspar for late night McDonald’s counted. They were exclusive on Hubert’s end, because he didn’t have much going on, but he assumed Caspar was hooking up with other people. He didn’t really know Caspar well, they probably couldn’t even be called friends, but Hubert liked having sex with him, and that counted for something.

“Stay with me,” said Hubert.

“I can’t do that,” said Caspar.

“It’s temporary, where else are you going to go?” asked Hubert as he netted another tarantula. Ferdinand was going to be livid when he saw all these bells. “What time do you want me to pick you up?”

“Uh, I have to be out by 10,” said Caspar. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” said Hubert. He sounded extra enthusiastic because he had just caught yet another hairy expensive spider. “I’ll be there at eight.” Hubert hung up and pulled out his laptop to put in one online order for more condoms, then got back to grinding through Animal Crossing.

In the morning, Caspar looked like shit, but so did Hubert because he had gamed for almost eleven hours straight. He probably should not have been driving in such a sleep deprived state, but no one else was on the road. They loaded up Hubert’s car and Caspar said good riddance to his co-op where he couldn’t afford the rent anymore.

“Your car’s really nice,” murmured Caspar as he buckled into the leather passenger seat.

“Thank you, I mostly use it to drive home for holidays,” admitted Hubert. It didn’t get taken out very much, and Hubert was a clean freak so it was immaculate, although Caspar’s mismatched weight set was threatening to drag the bumper against the pavement.

They hadn’t seen each since social distancing took effect, but they’d been texting with surprising regularity to the point where over the months Caspar had overtaken Ferdinand for number of texts exchanged (though Edelgard was a distant first). Hubert suspected that had more to do with Ferdinand texting Linhardt more, but he tried not to let his mind linger on how he felt about that.

NPR, the only radio station Hubert had bothered to program into his car stereo, was cutting to yet another press conference with Mayor Arundel. Hubert clicked it off; he could not stand the sound of Arundel’s voice. Caspar looked depressed and if Hubert wasn’t concerned about germs, he’d probably be hitting a drive-thru right now for a happy meal to pep the poor kid up. Hubert’s stomach gave an undignified growl. Maybe some drive-thru was in order after all.

“Please don’t eat in my car,” said Hubert as he heard Caspar’s fingers rustling through the paper wrapper to pull out a super greasy hash brown. Hubert cracked the window slightly, even though it was winter, so that the smell wouldn’t get trapped and make it stink like fast food forever. Hubert pulled into the underground parking garage of his condominium and into his assigned space. He looked back fleetingly at all of Caspar’s free weights and wished this space wasn’t so far from the elevator. He tried not to think of all the potential germs on the elevator buttons. Hubert wished personal protective gear wasn’t in direly low supply, or else he’d be in gloves for sure.

“This is your apartment?” asked Caspar in disbelief as he dropped his first box of stuff into the living room.

“Oh, yes,” said Hubert. They never came here because the west side was pretty far from all of Caspar’s typical haunts so Hubert usually just went to him. Hubert’s apartment was modern and he’d really embraced the minimalist aesthetic that was so popular a few years ago. The colors were limited to whites, blacks, and grays for the most part, and he had made good use of the brushed concrete accent wall.

The weights took the longest to move, although maybe it was a good source of exercise in isolation, and had Hubert concerned for his hardwood floors. It was not as if they could just run out for a protective mat or something, so a towel had to suffice. Hubert was also alarmed by the amount of glittery coated garments Caspar was plopping into the washing machine after Hubert had idiotically encouraged him to do a load of laundry. Caspar relied on a laundromat, but had been too afraid to go for the last couple weeks, and now he had essentially no clean clothes.

Now his stuff was moved, and it was just the two of them hanging out for the first time sans sex. Hubert yawned, he really should have slept, “What do you want to do now?”

Caspar was unusually subdued, which was perfectly reasonable given everything that had happened, but Hubert was used to his loud enthusiasm. “Uh, do you mind if I take a shower, and a nap?”

“Sounds excellent,” said Hubert. He too needed a nap, and then more Animal Crossing. While Caspar showered Hubert set up the pull out couch. He gave it a quick test lay and grimaced, it was not comfortable but it was what he had. It made the living room area seem exceptionally tight as well. It was going to be a pain to unmake and remake all the time, but that’s just what was going to have to happen to make this livable.

Caspar emerged from the bathroom in just his go to gym shorts and his hair in a towel. He looked at the done up pull out couch and back at Hubert, “Is this for me?”

“Unless someone else is staying here,” said Hubert, in an attempt to be funny. Caspar, who was generally an easy laugh, just looked sad. Hubert decided that jokes weren’t helping, “The wifi password is edelgardrules, all lowercase and no spaces.”

“Right, thanks.” Caspar settled in and pulled out his phone, and appeared to be texting with a somber expression. Hubert wasn’t really sure what to say, so he just walked into his room and took his own nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hubert probably identifies strongly with Frederick, hence, his love of Chrom. 
> 
> Also, Caspar needs a hug not the wifi password!!!


	3. The Memory Foam Remembers...

Hubert woke to his default option phone ringtone. It was 6 pm, holy fuck, “Hello?”

“Bitch, quit ignoring your texts, I need cherries,” growled Dorothea from the other end. If Hubert had to guess, she had not slept at all. Dorothea was probably weeks ahead of him in the game if she’d been playing since launch.

“I have not acquired them yet,” yawned Hubert. Dorothea let out an anguished scream. Yes, she definitely had not slept.

“How productive has your day off been, island wise?” Dorothea seemed to have gotten out a little of her crazy with the yell. “Have you completed the ironwood set yet—”

“I had a thing come up, I ended up going out this morning and then took a nap.” Hubert rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t usually one for napping but that had been solid.

“Hubie, Hubie, what the hell got you to leave your apartment?” Hubert was known around the office for not getting out much without his closest co-workers, and she was the only one of those still in Enbarr.

“Caspar needed me,” said Hubert as he sat up. He wondered if Caspar was still sleeping. If he wasn’t, he was probably also starving because Hubert was sure he’d never seen Caspar cook anything even with a microwave.

Dorothea was cackling, “You made it what, two weeks without sex?”

Eighteen days but who was counting? “Not for sex, he got evicted from his place, I invited him to stay here while he figures things out.”

Dorothea was silent. She sounded extremely serious when she finally started talking again, “Hubert. You invited your fuck buddy to live with you for an indeterminate amount of time during a global crisis? Doesn’t he have any friends to crash with?”

“I’m his friend,” said Hubert. He and Caspar were friends right? Sort of?

“Mmm, I don’t think you are, I think you’re the guy he texts when he’s drunk and wants to screw, or needs someone to buy him food,” said Dorothea. It stung because it was true. “I wouldn’t invite my fuck buddy over to my place, even for sex.” The amount of disdain Dorothea held for her go to hook up was astonishing considered how often she saw him pre-quarantine. When self isolation started Dorothea had sent out a picture of her vibrator to the group chat with the message: “ _I named it Anything but Sylvain lol_ ”. Dorothea’s voice was concerned, “Hubie, remember the last time you tried living with someone—”

“Right. Well, I’m going to make dinner, and I will text you if I get the cherries,” promised Hubert quickly as he cut her off. He hung up before she could give him any more of her unsolicited advice. His last cohabitation attempt had ended in a fiery disaster, but that had been a serious attempt at a relationship; Caspar was just couch surfing.

Hubert pulled on a sweater and washed his face, feeling more human for having slept, and emerged from his bedroom to see an empty unmade pullout sofa. Caspar was outside on the balcony talking on his phone. Despite it being winter and dark, Caspar was still only in gym shorts and a hoodie. Hubert lived on the third floor and had literally never been on his balcony because it was too damn high. Most of his neighbors had chairs and string lights out there but Hubert didn’t even put plants on his balcony.

Hubert didn’t want to eavesdrop, Caspar had gone outside for a reason, but he could not help but hear as Caspar spoke many decibels louder than a normal person. “Please, please do not tell him this happened,” said Caspar into his phone. He paused and groaned, “No, not mom either. Just tell them you checked in and everything is fine.” Longer pause, “I’m fine, I swear. I’m figuring it out.” His voice dropped down now to a near whisper, or at least as near a whisper as Caspar could get, “Love you too.”

Hubert hustled to the kitchen to throw some water on to boil lest he look like he was spying. The door slid open and shut as Caspar came back in. He plugged in his charger, and came to sit on one of Hubert’s little kitchen island barstools where Hubert so often ate alone. Hubert was dropping broccoli into the pot for a quick boil, then it was straight into the food processor with some salt, while the pasta went into the same now slightly green water. Cheese, some nuts, pulse, pulse, and voila: broccoli pesto. By the time the sauce came together the pasta was done and one quick toss later Hubert was presenting Caspar with some reasonably healthy pasta that didn’t make too many dirty dishes.

Caspar looked at it fleetingly, “Why is it so green?”

“It’s broccoli,” said Hubert as he generously coated his in red pepper flakes.

“What’s broccoli?” asked Caspar suspiciously.

“You know what broccoli is you little cretin,” said Hubert as he ate his dinner. They had gone out for Dagdan one time and Caspar had asked what almost every vegetable in their stir fry was. It took Hubert far too long to realize he was being trolled.

Caspar laughed and started eating. He even helped wash the dishes when they were finished dinner. Hubert wished he could send a picture to Dorothea to prove he was capable of domestic bliss, but she’d probably text back that this was only day one.

Hubert started to make a b-line for his Switch when Caspar piped up, “Can we watch a movie together?”

Hubert really wanted to play his game, but maybe watch a movie was code for let’s have a movie on in the background while we fool around, “Sure. Your pick.” He had a variety of video streaming subscriptions shared with his mother that he barely touched. Hubert started to make the pullout couch back into a sofa while Caspar browsed around. Hubert took his usual seat and was caught off guard by Caspar’s closeness as he sat right next to him.

Caspar picked a slightly older feature from a studio known for its high quality computer animation, really an industry standard, as much as its gut punches. This particular plot was about a tween girl confronting her emotions as she went through puberty. Each emotion was a character. Hubert liked Joy, but identified with Anger. It was amusing, but, it was still very much a kids movie.

Hubert felt Caspar snuggling in beside him and eventually he rested his head on Hubert’s thigh. Hubert cautiously draped his arm down to run his fingers through Caspar’s hair. For once it was not all overdone and spiked up, but rather fluffy and soft from air drying. It was a little short, but it felt nice.

This positioning seemed promising until Caspar began straight up bawling through all the slightly sad bits, of which there were many. Okay, nothing else was going to happen as long as this movie was on. Hubert would not have guessed Caspar had such an unrestrained sensitivity about him. After the movie was done Hubert tossed on some generic serialized crime show to turn his mind off for a little and to help get Caspar out of his crying mood.

Hubert’s phone buzzed and he was greeted with a screenshot of Animal Crossing versions of Ferdie and Lin watching a sunset together. Ugh. He locked his screen and ignored it like he’d been ignoring their happy relationship for the better part of the last year. Unfortunately it was a group text that Caspar was also on. Caspar sighed and looked at it with almost as much disinterest in Hubert, but for very different reasons, “I don’t get this game. What’s the point of it?”

“There is no point, it’s just, satisfying,” said Hubert. So satisfying. It was an itch Hubert did not know he needed to scratch until he started playing the previous installment.

Caspar gave him a dubious glance, “You play this?”

“Yes,” said Hubert casually as if he hadn’t played it all last night and hadn’t logged hundreds of hours on the last game in the franchise. As if he weren’t dying to play it right now.

“Do you fight anything?”

“No, it’s mostly collecting things,” said Hubert. Addicting tedium was what it was. The others were chiming in now on the screen shot.

**Edelgard** : Cute :)

**Byleth** : Once again, I am asking only for your fish pics

**Petra** : You are being adorable

**Dorothea** : When’s the wedding?

Hubert stared at that text for longer than he should have, and was horrified as a typing icon appeared from Ferdinand. It stopped. It started again. It stopped. Hubert felt a growing sense of dread. Caspar was nuzzling into the crease of Hubert’s hip as he typed his own response.

**Caspar** : GAY

Silence. No more typing icon from Ferdinand.

**Dorothea** : Hubie 8=D 0: caspar

**Caspar** : rly tho 8===D :P lol

**Caspar** : pls pray 4 my ass.

Hubert snorted and looked down at the tiny blue haired troll whose bloodshot eyes traced up to meet his gaze. Caspar flashed him a mischievous grin as he snickered. Hubert set his phone aside, satisfied that Ferdinand wasn’t going to address that wedding comment now, and pushed Caspar back into the couch to try to initiate things. He found Caspar’s mouth firmly shut. “Um, I don’t really feel like doing this right now.”

“Sorry, I misread the situation,” said Hubert as he quickly withdrew his hands from beneath Caspar’s hoodie. Caspar had just suggested his ass was about to be destroyed, which Hubert would have eagerly facilitated.

“Would you be cool with just like, um, cuddling tonight?” asked Caspar. He looked like he was going to start crying again as he asked it.

Hubert stared down at him, “May I play Animal Crossing while cuddling?”

“If we can go in your bed instead of the couch,” said Caspar, ever the strong negotiator.

Hubert brought his AC adapter and got into his pajamas. He committed himself to unlocking teraforming, the game’s most tantalizing new feature, as Caspar rested his head against Hubert’s rib cage and wrapped his arms around him. He sighed a lot and adjusted himself multiple times while Hubert’s long arms moved the switch so that Caspar could keep doing whatever while Hubert kept playing.

Caspar watched what Hubert was doing on screen with mild passing interest, “This game is way more cutesy than what I thought you’d be into.”

Hubert was mostly humming yes and no sounds as Caspar asked questions about the game. He had gotten his shops open and his museum up and running, but no cherries for Dorothea. He liked Dorothea, but truly Edelgard was the only person he’d drop whatever he was doing to make sure she got some special furniture or event item. She didn’t time travel in the game, and he was fine doing the dirty work of unlocking stuff so that she could have a slingshot and a ladder right away without risking her town.

Time traveling was stigmatized in the Animal Crossing community, but Hubert just internally “mwhahaha’d” atop his big pile of ill gotten bells whenever he saw someone complaining about it. If one messed things up they could get stuck with beloved villagers moving away, dead flowers, weeds all over, cockroaches in their house, bed head, rotting turnips, and essentially ecological destruction of their island. Hubert was therefore extremely careful not to screw himself over before the upcoming time limited events like Bunny Day and the Cherry Blossom Festival.

“Who’s all playin’ this?” Caspar was rubbing up against Hubert in a distracting way.

“Ferdinand, Linhardt, Edelgard, Dorothea,” rattled off Hubert. There were others in his extended network that were playing that Caspar would never meet. Some of them Hubert had never even met in person, they merely conversed on message boards and visited each other in game. However, he had forged some serious friendships from this: Annette, Lysithea, and Ignatz were all surely binging this game by playing with the system clock so they could play a bunch at once. Then there were the purists like Ferdinand who believed the game was only to be enjoyed in real time in small increments.

“What about Byleth?”

“Byleth is really only interested in the fishing aspect, nothing else. She shares an Island with Edelgard,” said Hubert as he moved yet another tree so that all his fruiting trees spanned out in neat lines. Was it weird to be gaming friends with your former therapist? Probably. Surely no weirder than them marrying your best friend and suddenly being a major part of your social circle though.

“You are like, really into this game,” whispered Caspar. He sounded bored and his hands were getting bold with their wandering.

“I enjoy it, and I don’t usually have much time off to play like this. Come Monday I will be back to work, I am merely trying to maximize my weekend play,” said Hubert as he got to his next tedious task.

“I’m just sayin’ if I had a hot guy in my bed, I wouldn’t be playing a dumb game,” said Caspar.

“I thought you weren’t in the mood,” said Hubert as he continued to play.

“Yeah not immediately after getting emotionally wrecked by a children’s movie,” said Caspar as his hand ventured into Hubert’s boxers. Hello.

Hubert saved his progress and set the switch to sleep mode. He rolled to his side to loom over Caspar and reveled in how much bigger he was. He didn’t know that was something he liked until getting with Caspar, but there was something strangely gratifying about seeing Caspar’s tiny strong hands working him and Hubert’s long fingers could reach places inside that Caspar couldn’t himself.

Being with Ferdinand had been like a work of art: captivating and complicated to describe with words. Sex between them was rarely spontaneous, even if it was frequent. Ferdinand liked encouraging words the whole time and Hubert was fine with praising him. Ferdinand was beautiful to look at and wonderful to be with, although sometimes it was hard to come up with things to say to keep him happy. There was always a great deal of kissing and their foreplay went slow, but that was fine because Hubert want to freeze the moments they spent together in bed and live in them forever.

Having sex with Caspar in contrast sounded like being at a petting zoo with plenty of grunts and sometimes an unexpected bite or two. Caspar fucked like he had been born to push his dick inside things. He could go for indeterminate lengths of time and could keep up a forceful pace like no one Hubert had ever been with. For being smaller he moved Hubert’s body around like it was nothing, and that in itself was exciting.

Caspar also took a dick like a champ. His text about Hubert’s penis to the group had been a joke, but not all together inaccurate. Every time Hubert topped him, he had a moment of panic that he’d broken Caspar whose his eyes would momentarily glaze over and zone out as he filled up. Then the scary brain dead look would pass and Caspar would start pulling at Hubert’s hips to get him to go deeper. This was where Hubert was now as he ground into Caspar, who sounded more like he was doing a dead lift than having sex.

“Is this a memory foam mattress?” asked Caspar with a groan as his body was forced down into it.

“Yes,” panted Hubert. “Just a topper though, it’s a normal mattress, underneath.”

“Nice,” drew out Caspar as his eyes closed. It was nice. It was also nice to just have sex for sex’s sake, and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing all the time. It was nice to have a partner who didn’t bring work home with them into the bedroom.

When they were done and cleaned up Hubert was brushing his teeth and staring at Caspar’s minimalist collection of toiletries now on the vanity. His toothbrush looked ancient. Hubert collected all the little tooth brushes the dentist gave him each visit, they were ideal for throwing in a travel bag, and set one out hoping that Caspar would take a hint and replace his. Caspar was still in his bed when Hubert returned to the room. How did one address this tactfully? “Do you need help setting up the couch again?”

Caspar actually looked hurt by the question, “You really want me to sleep out there?”

“I thought you would be more comfortable with your own space,” Hubert was more comfortable with his own space.

“It’s a queen, I’m small, you’ll barely know I’m here,” said Caspar as he made a big show of rolling to the other side. “Please Hubert, the memory foam, it remembers me, I have to stay.”

Inside Hubert a small voice whispered, _Remember how nice it was to share a bed?_ Another slightly bitter voice whispered back, _Remember how that turned out?_

“Fine, stay on that side though, and if you punch me in your sleep I swear you will never be allowed to sleep in here again,” warned Hubert as he settled back in.

“Thanks Hubie,” said Caspar with a laugh as he pulled out his phone and sent a text to the group chat: _update my ass survived :) thx 4 your thoughts n prayers_. He gave Hubert an overly sloppy wet kiss on the cheek that Hubert promptly wiped off before getting up to go brush his own teeth.

There was about a minute of silence, then Hubert’s phone began threaten to vibrate right off the nightstand. Caspar’s phone was silent. This meant Hubert was getting one on one messages, and frankly, he was afraid to look.

**Dorothea** : did you get those cherries yet? Or are you too busy getting yo dick wet?!

**Edelgard** : Are you okay? Do you need to call me?

**Edelgard** : Do you want to call Byleth?

No Hubert didn’t really need to talk to his ex-therapist about his present strange friend with benefits living situation.

**Ferdinand** : Are you with Caspar right now?

If Hubert had to talk to Byleth about anything, it was Ferdinand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ruh roh, past ferdibert angst incoming


	4. Things are working out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the deal with Ferdinand and Hubert, and Caspar bullies skinny fat Hubert into a workout.

_4 Months Ago_

Ferdinand was hosting another one of his bimonthly dinner parties. Ferdinand lived for these get togethers, and Hubert had once dreamed of helping him host them. Instead now he and Dorothea were rolling up late with some moderately priced wine and some store bought garlic bread because no one wanted to eat Dorothea’s cooking. “So apparently Lin is bringing some of his friends to this,” said Dorothea like it was hot gossip.

“Great,” said Hubert as he attempted to be relaxed. Linhardt had first appeared on his radar in Hapstring Moon when Ferdinand came to the office beaming with his characteristic “You’ll never believe the sex I had” look. Hubert knew it well because he used to put that goofy grin on Ferdinand’s face. Hubert was sure the sleepy grad student didn’t stand a chance, yet Ferdinand seemed okay overlooking Linhardt’s less than stellar qualities in a way he wouldn’t for Hubert.

The theme, because there was always a theme, was thankfulness. “I’m very thankful that Linhardt came into my life,” said Ferdinand when it was his turn to share. Hubert had known his chances were toast but this was really slamming the nails into the coffin. He did his best not to overtly roll his eyes lest Ferdinand see.

“I think I’m allergic to this much cuteness in a relationship,” said Dorothea under her breath. She was just being a good friend, but Hubert knew the truth, she freaking adored the Linhardt/Ferdinand dynamic. Everyone did, everyone but Hubert. Even Bunny von Aegir, Ferdinand’s two faced tennis loving mother who despised Hubert (and his mom behind her back), loved Linhardt. Hubert had to hear about Bunny’s bragging during his weekly call while his mother asked if he was settling down with anyone and when would he start considering kids because two men could always adopt and hanging up now, bye Mom.

Lin’s friends in attendance were his roommate, Ashe, and Caspar. The three somehow made Hubert feel incredibly old, even though he was only 3 or 4 years older than them. Clearly Linhardt hadn’t given Ashe or Caspar a head’s up that Ferdinand usually made these dinner parties overly formal. Ashe looked extremely uncomfortable in his out of place graphic tee with jeans and a zip up hoodie. Caspar did not appear to ever look uncomfortable, even as all the ‘adults’ around him were dressed in Ferdinand’s requested smart casual (whatever that was supposed to mean). No, Caspar was in the most tight turtleneck imaginable and a pair of extremely worn jeans with work boots. It was…not a bad look on him; he kind of looked like a sexy construction worker, which given how he pinged from job to job might actually be something he’d be doing come summer.

“Hubie, how’s that workout I designed for you?” Caspar asked it as he punched lightly into Hubert’s non-existent abs. “On second thought, maybe I should add more crunches.”

“It’s good,” lied Hubert, who was doing it maybe every weekend, and not the 4 prescribed days a week. Doing Caspar’s workout took almost 2 hours and was dangerous to do without a spotter, which Hubert did not have the luxury of having. “How are you?”

“Surviving,” said Caspar, which was not an exaggeration. Since their initial hook up, Hubert had been over to Caspar’s perhaps half a dozen times and every time it felt like Caspar was pawning something, picking up a strange gig economy job, and subsisting on cans of beans or whatever was available at the local food pantry. Hubert had already purchased him a rice cooker with a vegetable steamer for St. Cichol’s day so Caspar wouldn’t get scurvy.

“I imagine winter is great for naked flower deliveries,” said Hubert as his voice dripped with sarcasm.

“It gets nippy,” admitted Caspar with a laugh. “But I got a call center job, so that should help cover my ass.” Caspar talked all the time, a call center was unfortunately perfect for him. Hubert pitied the fool on the other end of the line from him.

Hubert’s eyes wandered to Ferdinand giving Linhardt a little kiss and he wished he had just lied and said he was sick or something rather than coming to this. Hubert didn’t want to lose Ferdinand as a friend but watching his increasingly public displays of affection were getting painful. Ferdinand got to be Ferdie with Lin, in a way that he hadn’t with Hubert. It was good for him, and Hubert tried to be objectively happy for him, even if it sucked subjectively.

“They’re talking about moving in together,” said Caspar as he followed the path of Hubert’s gaze.

“Oh,” said Hubert because that was all he could say. He suddenly really wanted to leave, but he was Dorothea’s ride and she was presently hanging on Edelgard. This was the last dinner party before the holiday season picked up in force and Ferdinand would probably have something to say if Hubert slipped away too early. “Excuse me,” said Hubert as he edged away to be alone in the kitchen. He wasn’t alone for long.

“How you doing kid?” asked Byleth affectionately as she reached up to tousle Hubert’s hair. Kid. They were practically the same age. She knew it all, all the shit surrounding his father’s death, his terrible college boyfriend, his bad feelings about the Hresvelg’s bitter divorce and the custody battles, his irrational fear of heights, his obsession with winged unicorns as a kid.

“I’ve been better,” said Hubert, softly and honestly. Byleth hadn’t been his therapist since college, when she was a psych grad student working for the student crisis center where Dorothea dragged him when his problems outgrew what a fellow freshman could help with. Byleth probably knew him as well as Edelgard. He supposed if his past therapist was going to marry anyone, it might as well be the person who knew where all the metaphorical bodies were buried. He made sure his present therapist, Dr. Seteth, didn’t meet anyone he knew though just in case.

“I know,” said Byleth as she rubbed his elbows as if trying to coax his arms from their tightly guarded fold. “It’s okay to be hurting right now.”

“It’s been over a year, it’s starting to get pathetic,” said Hubert with a sigh as he thought back to the devastating moment when Ferdinand told Hubert they were better off friends than lovers. They had spent a week living together on a mini staycation while Edelgard was on her honeymoon and the office was shut down, and it had been wonderful. Unfortunately when they went back to work Ferdinand realized that being boyfriends wasn’t going to change how much of a jerk Hubert tended to be while on the clock. Hubert had then offered a moronic suggestion that they work at different places even though he had no intention of leaving his position, which Ferdinand had taken as an ultimatum: he’d have to get a new job in order to date Hubert. They were both jumping through hoops to be with each other, and in the end those obstacles were just too high.

“I just feel like I’m never going to get over him.” Admitting it out loud made it hurt even more.

“Hey, maybe this coming year will be your year!” Byleth was always optimistic. Hubert wasn’t so sure, he was coming up on the ten year anniversary of his father’s death (always a bad time of year), he was super single, he had pretty much leveled off career wise and his soul mate had found someone else. Byleth refilled her wine glass and gave him a pointed look, “Who’s the blue haired guy? He seemed very flirty.”

“That’s Lin’s train wreck friend,” said Hubert as he looked out into the living room where Caspar appeared to be embarrassing Ashe in front of Dorothea and Petra.

“Well he seems interested in you,” started Byleth.

“We’ve hooked up, a couple times,” said Hubert.

“Good,” said Byleth. “Good, when was the last time you saw someone for more than a one night stand?”

Hubert grimaced at the flow of the conversation, and froze up as Ferdinand came in to refresh the cheese platter, “Byleth! Hubert, how are you two this evening?”

“Great,” smiled Byleth, “We’re just discussing Hubert’s burgeoning dating life.”

“Oh,” said Ferdinand, with just the slightest hint of jealousy in his voice. It was note of hope to Hubert’s ears and while he wanted to be mad at Byleth for the little breach of privacy, he wanted to kiss her for this tiny gift. Maybe Ferdinand wasn’t totally over Hubert, maybe a tiny part of him wanted to get back together. Maybe this coming year would be when things turned around.

_Present_

Caspar didn’t stay on the other side of the bed like he promised he would. He rolled his way right up against Hubert trying to unconsciously spoon him. The tiny gremlin also put out heat like a power plant. At 5 am Hubert finally gave up trying to cool down and went out onto the couch to play Animal Crossing. At 10 am, Caspar emerged in just his gym shorts and attempted to work out in the available space. Hubert’s eyes traced away from his game long enough to oggle Caspar’s enviable upper body. His lower body wasn’t bad either and the sounds he was making as he lifted were quite suggestive.

Phone ding: email. Hubert hated emails on Saturdays but he always looked at them within minutes of getting them. This one was an invitation to a virtual dinner party hosted on Ferdinand’s island, everyone’s Animal Crossing avatars were invited and encouraged to wear their fanciest clothes that they’d gotten in the game. They were recommended to bring their native fruits and flowers for an exchange. Hubert rolled his eyes and set his phone aside. Not even a plague could stop Ferdinand’s love of dinner parties.

“Hey,” said Caspar as he hung over the back of the couch and looked down at Hubert. He poked Hubert right in the belly fat, “You wanna work out?”

“Not especially,” said Hubert. He just wanted to enjoy a lazy Saturday paving his village with his new terraforming tool.

“Come on man, I know your gym has been closed for weeks, when was the last time you exercised?”

Hubert mustered a glare; it had been a month at least. Caspar smirked, “So, like, a while then? Come on, you’re skinny fat, let’s lift.”

“Skinny fat? Excuse me?” That was new insult to him.

“Yeah, like, you’re slim, but you’re out of shape,” said Caspar as he continued to poke at Hubert’s stomach. So what if Hubert was still clinging to his winter mass? It was possible there wasn’t going to be a swimsuit season this year! Couldn’t he just enjoy his secret pint of coffee chocolate chip ice cream without being shamed like this? Caspar was not letting up as he reached down to grab at Hubert’s side, “You have love handles.”

“Yeah so you have something to hold on to,” retorted Hubert even though he was pretty sure he didn’t. He did however have a secretly little pudgy stomach. It was the part of Hubert that Ferdinand used to kiss and say was the only soft thing about him. Maybe it did need to go after all. He needed to shed his winter layer of fat as much as he needed to shed Ferdinand.

The Animal Crossing island lay idle for over an hour as Caspar ran Hubert through his hellish workout regime. They were doing Sreng twists back to back while passing a kettle bell around. “See, you get me to eat more vegetables, I get you to work out, this is like the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had,” laughed Caspar.

How many of these twists were they going to do? “What’s been your worst relationship?” Hubert had all but avoided asking about Caspar’s sexual history. Some things were just better left unknown in a casual sex-only relationship.

Caspar groaned, “No man, I’m not going there.”

“I tell you mine if you tell me yours,” offered Hubert. Anything to stop these twists!

“You go first,” grunted Caspar.

“Fine. First boyfriend, freshman year of college, cheated on me when I went home for my father’s funeral,” said Hubert as Caspar finally transitioned to the next exercise. Sit ups, oh joy.

“Fuck that’s rough,” said Caspar as he held Hubert’s feet down.

Metodey had been in fact fucking rough. “I thought he was hot and cool, turns out he was just hot and cruel,” said Hubert as he recalled how exciting it had been to come out and have a real boyfriend, only to have that all blow up in his face. “My roommate saw him at some party making out with someone else and told me.” Sylvain had been the worst possible roommate Hubert could have been randomly matched with at University of Adrestia, but at least he had Hubert’s back during his most massively low point and had introduced him to Dorothea that year.

“Huh, well, I’ve unfortunately been the bad boyfriend,” said Caspar with great reluctance.

“Really?” Hubert had trouble pictured Caspar being truly mean and dating someone. Metodey had been a manipulative piece of shit, while Caspar wouldn’t even kill spiders.

“I had a long term girlfriend.” They readjusted so Caspar was now doing the sit ups; he spoke in short little bursts as he moved. “We went to high school together, and she was super shy, so, we never did anything physical really, just talked a lot. We even went to Oghma State together.” Caspar took a deep breath, “I think she totally knew from like, the beginning that I was gay.”

“How long were you dating?”

“Four years, since we were sophomores in high school,” said Caspar. Four years was a long time to keep a fake girlfriend. “It worked out, I think she was afraid to date someone for real and I was safe, ya know? And I needed to appear to have a girlfriend.”

Hubert wanted to know more about that last bit, but before he could ask Caspar sat all the way up and was now face to face with Hubert, “We’re still friends, I introduced her to her husband, so, it all worked out.” He leaned in, and Hubert thought he was going to kiss him, but instead Caspar just shrugged and laid down, “Okay, do a plank over me.”

“What?”

“Plank over me, and if you start to waver, I’m going to make you get back up,” explained Caspar.

Hubert groaned as he got into position and looked down at Caspar, “What’s been your longest real relationship?”

Caspar frowned, “I’ve never had one. What about you?”

Hubert’s arms were shaking as he tried to keep himself in the plank, anything over 30 seconds really became torture, “Freshman year boyfriend lasted 5 months, and I thought I was dating Ferdinand for about 8 months.”

“You _thought_ you were dating him?” Caspar adjusted Hubert’s hips, which were apparently sagging. “What the hell does that mean?”

Oh goddess, this was the worst, “Turns out late night take out at the office while working overtime isn’t a real date, who knew?” Hubert finally gave up and laid down on the ground panting. His limbs felt like jelly.

Caspar began to plank over him, “I could have told you that.” Caspar’s arms were a lot shorter and thus his face now a lot closer than when Hubert was planking.

Hubert frowned, “Ferdinand and I are pretty compatible, but only outside work. Apparently I’m a dick at the office, and understandably Ferdinand stayed mad at me after work was done for the day.”

Caspar looked unconvinced, “You’re a dick at home too.”

“Well I was being very good around him, but not good enough,” said Hubert. Ferdinand dumping him had been Hubert’s fault, although nothing he managed to do convinced Ferdinand to take him back. Hubert wondered how long Caspar was going to hold his annoying good plank. He wasn’t even shaking. “We had one too many office arguments and that was that.” Caspar grunted as he started to show the tiniest amount of shake. Hubert gently caressed Caspar’s sides in a veiled attempt to tease him into quiting, “What was the deal with you needing to appear to have a girlfriend, hmm?”

Caspar responded to the touching by just dropping full bodied down onto Hubert who let out a surprised _oof_. Caspar’s legs straddled him as he sat up on Hubert, “Oh, my parents, well, mostly my dad, are pretty conservative. I don’t really fit in.”

Hubert propped himself up, he knew a bit about that himself. “I overheard some of your call yesterday—”

“Oh,” said Caspar as a flush crossed his face. “Right. I was talking to my brother. He’s like, my family liaison. I don’t talk to my dad period.” Caspar got off of Hubert and shook out his limbs, “I stayed in the closet through college, and when I came out we stopped talking. I came here with Lin, but he and I have trouble living together.”

“You’ve slept with him, right?” Hubert strongly suspected that at some points the two had been more than friends.

Caspar groaned, “Did Ferdie put you up to asking that?”

“What? No,” Hubert was caught off guard by Caspar’s reaction. He prided himself on being able to predict things about people and make inferences, and this was not the response he’d been expecting.

Caspar’s eyes narrowed in with suspicion, “Lin and I have been friends for so long that the idea of sleeping with him just feels weird. We have both slept with Ashe, but separately! And before he started dating Dedue!”

Okay TMI. “Why would Ferdinand care?” That made Hubert’s _is-Ferdie-over-Lin-yet?_ senses tingle.

“I don’t know, he just seems to, or at least Lin is insecure that he does,” complained Caspar as he stretched.

Hubert did not want to get up. Caspar was right, he was out of shape. He wondered how long Caspar would let him just lay on the floor without doing some other exercise. Thankfully Caspar joined him on the floor instead of forcing him to do some other stretch or lift. “Good work out, we’ll do this again Monday.”

Wonderful. Hubert let out a pathetic groan of protest. “Wanna wrestle?” teased Caspar as he brought Hubert into a loose, but unshakable hold.

Hubert sucked in a breath as Caspar pressed against him and pinned him to the floor. He had never wrestled but he was bigger so he gave a decent effort to overtake Caspar. Caspar giggled in his ear as he just shifted their bodies with ease. Hubert felt Caspar’s hips brushing against his backside. Hubert was still at an elevated heart rate and taking deep breaths, “Are we still working out or are you interested in doing something else?”

“What are you interested in?” asked Caspar as his hand slipped into Hubert’s shorts.

This was one thing about Caspar that was frighteningly exciting: almost anything could turn into sex and he was horny at the drop of a hat. Sex with Ferdinand had been highly conditional. Spontaneous blow jobs happened (and were amazing), but Ferdinand was disinterested in getting his hands literally dirty so any kind of penetration was always scheduled ahead of time so that both men were prepared for it. This meant being thoroughly clean, having a generous supply of lube on hand, and usually a little curated music playlist going in the background. It was always really nice, but this sort of thing would never happen.

Caspar didn’t mind playing in the mud and Hubert let out a tiny gasp as he felt the sting of sweaty fingers slipping up inside him. Hubert struggled to get his shirt off as his shorts were pushed down his thighs. “Condom,” whispered Hubert desperately as he felt Caspar adding another finger.

Caspar kissed Hubert on his neck and then released him to dig through his nearby gym bag with his free hand, “Oh, hey, a glow in the dark one, I wonder if it’ll light up inside your—”

“I don’t want to know why you have that,” said Hubert as he felt Caspar’s fingers receding and prayed the glow in the dark condom was lubed up and not expired.

“Makes my junk look like a lightsaber,” laughed Caspar as he gently pressed in.

Hubert was now keenly interested in working out if this was what it led to. Maybe he’d look into a home gym and hire Caspar as a personal trainer because fuck this was hot. “Eh you’re right, your love handles are nice to hold onto,” teased Caspar as he grabbed onto Hubert’s sides.

“Shut the fuck up,” moaned Hubert as he listened to Caspar’s hardened body slapping against his own barely there ass. Okay, screw everyone else and their judgmental concern, having a live-in fuck buddy was a pretty sweet deal. After a much needed shower, Hubert returned to his spot on the sofa. He was unclear if the workout or the sex had left him this sore, but it didn’t matter, he had a game to keep playing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone knows if "glow in the dark condoms = penis lightsaber" is from a movie, let me know in a comment because I have no idea but I feel like that's from something other than my dumb brain...


	5. Dinner Party Dumpster Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ferdinand hosts a virtual dinner party. Hubert finds a reason to drink too much and some fights are had.

Caspar was looking at Hubert’s freezer with an expression of resigned sadness. “I miss pizza,” he whispered at the chilly void. He closed the door and looked at Hubert, “I uh, I know I’m freeloading a little, do you want me go buy a pizza?”

Hubert liked, to put it bluntly, expensive pies. The gourmet ones that had exciting flavor combinations like truffle oil, arugula, capers, pistachios, and mortadella on a thin crispy crust. Actually that sounded quite good. He didn’t want to disparage Caspar’s budget pizza but there was no way he was eating whatever was available at the nearest national chain place. “I don’t mind paying.”

“Yeah but I feel weird crashing here and not contributing,” said Caspar as he opened the door to give the freezer another once over. Frozen produce greeted him.

“You’ve been here a day, maybe I’ll feel differently if you stay for an extended period,” said Hubert as he pulled up some take out menus on his phone. Unfortunately most places were closed. He had been learning to make bread during this whole quarantine, perhaps he could make pizza dough. He pulled up a recipe and balked at the rise time, maybe he could make pizza tomorrow.

“I don’t know, this feels like when my friend Yuri was trying to become a sugar baby,” said Caspar as he opened the freezer again. The selection had not magically changed, and he shut the door again. “He ended up with this real weird dude named Aelfric for a while who was like obsessed with some woman who wouldn’t date him in high school, and he kept trying to get Yuri to dress up like her—”

Hubert frowned at the implication that he was the sugar daddy in this scenario. He was wealthier and (only slightly!) older, but the optics made him very uncomfortable, “It’s fine, you’re between jobs, I’m not, I don’t mind.”

“What can I do to earn my keep?” Caspar was fidgeting with his gym shorts.

Hubert’s gaze narrowed as he processed the idea of a sex for staying exchange, and felt very strange about it, “What, like a blow job—”

“Uh, no I was thinking more like chores,” said Caspar, clearly also grossed out. “Any blow jobs are because I want to not because I feel obligated to.”

“Good,” said Hubert awkwardly as he realized Caspar had just been doing an indiscreet ball scratch, not suggesting anything. He cleared his throat and shrugged, “How about dishes?” He could feel his muscles still moaning pathetically, “And maybe force me to actually work out.”

“I can do that,” said Caspar brightly before checking the freezer one last time. No pizza had magically appeared. Hubert found his go to pizza place online and saw they were still doing take-out.

Thirty minutes later, Hubert was enjoying a really fabulous pizza that Caspar was patiently picking all the green stuff off of. They had set up the video chat for Ferdinand’s virtual dinner party and Hubert was carefully adjusting his Animal Crossing game back to real time so that he could travel. Once he started playing the Sunday stalk market he was going to have to just play in real time, but he already unlocked just about everything. He had sadly not gotten a crown accessory, a ridiculously expensive hat, to shove in Ferdie’s face, but otherwise he was pretty pleased with his island so far.

Hubert’s character, _Hubie_ , was wearing gold armor. He was much flashier in game than in real life, but mostly he wanted to show off his fabulous DIY recipe score. He went to Dodo Airlines, paged through the tedious options menu, and was soon watching a cut screen of the fly-over of Ferdinand’s island.

It was rustic. Quaint. A one star island if Hubert had ever seen one. Ferdinand was still living in a tent. He hadn’t even unlocked the extra hair options and was looking very basic in his Brigid style shirt covered in pineapples. However, Ferdinand on the other side of the video chat was beaming. “Welcome! Welcome to Aegir Isle!”

“Beautiful Ferdie,” crooned Hubert as he inspected the flowers, lilies, and did a clapping reaction.

“Oh I have not unlocked any reactions yet,” said Ferdinand apologetically.

“Shall I explore—”

“No,” said Ferdinand in a rush. “No could you please stay here by the airport until everyone arrives?”

_Hmm_. This meant Ferdinand was hiding some sort of surprise. Perhaps he was luring Hubert into a false sense of superiority and was about to pull out some ridiculous customization. Doubtful. He did however seem extremely nervous which was decidedly un-Ferdinand like.

“Hi Ferdinand,” said Caspar with a mouthful of pizza, “Where’s Lin?”

“He is brewing us some tea,” said Ferdinand. “How are you, why are you at Hubert’s?”

“I got evicted,” said Caspar bluntly as he grabbed another slice and began systematically removing all the vegetable matter. “He’s letting me crash while I figure out what to do.”

“Oh, that is unexpectedly kind, tell me Hubert you don’t have a fever or cough do you?”

“Is kindness a symptom of the virus?” asked Hubert dryly. He was fairly certain it was flu-like and miserable, with nothing kind about it.

Ferdinand chuckled, “Not that I know of, but it is not something I’d expect from you. So you must either be deliriously ill, or dare I say you must really fancy Caspar to let him into your space.”

Hubert gave Caspar a measured once over and turned back to Ferdie, “He has assured me he’s small and I’ll barely notice him.”

“I’m big where it counts,” said Caspar in a near whisper for Hubert, who tried not to laugh as Ferdinand made his usual “ _I will pretend not to have heard that_ ” face. At that moment the Dodo Airlines announced new arrivals. Many cut scenes later the rest of the group was assembled: Dorothea, Edelgard, Petra, Ashe, Dedue, and Lin. Byleth was on the video chat but the island only allowed eight at a time, and she had quickly volunteered to sit out.

“Please leave your fruit and flower’s here, hopefully everyone gets a nice selection,” said Ferdinand warmly. “Does everyone have their vaulting sticks?” There was mass agreement and Ferdinand was extra smiley. “Okay follow me!”

The little cartoon avatars ran behind Ferdie to a private patch of island blocked off by a river. The chat was silent for all of a second before the collective gasp of “awwww” seized the surprised group. Ferdinand had cleared a patch of grass to lay out a custom image that he had lovingly framed with flowers. The ‘awww’ was for the message: _Will you marry me Lin?_ On the video chat, real life Ferdinand had dramatically dropped down to one knee and produced some sort of ring box. Lin was spitting his tea back into his mug in surprise.

Hubert was staring at his TV and completely missing the whole acceptance and cheering until Caspar jabbed him in the elbows. “Wow, congratulations,” said Caspar in an extra loud voice.

Hubert recovered from his disbelief at the perfectly over the top semi-public proposal and eeked out a, “Good for you two.”

Suddenly his very fabulous island filled with hard to get virtual items felt very empty and meaningless. Ferdinand had something much better than an immaculately manicured flower field, he had a fiance that he loved very much and who loved him back.

Caspar discreetly angled the computer away from Hubert and scooched closer to take over the frame as he started chatting. Hubert got up and for the first time ever went out onto his balcony for a much needed moment of privacy. The air was crisp and cold as Hubert stared out at the empty quiet city. His fear of heights was embarrassing but there was something grounding about having to stare down at the sidewalk and face the fact that it didn’t make him feel quite as sick as how he felt about just watching that proposal.

Honestly, if he didn’t look down, this balcony was actually kind of nice. Hubert took a seat and contemplated what kind of chairs he should get for this porch to make it more comfortable. Or really chair singular because who was going to sit out here with him? After a few minutes of quiet contemplation to regain his composure, Hubert returned inside and put the controller in Caspar’s hands, “Please enjoy playing. I need a drink.”

“Oh uh thanks,” said Caspar in surprise as Hubert went to go pour himself a nice tall glass of wine.

He sat down and looked at the video chat. Byleth toasted him with her own super full glass of wine. She was probably just drinking because this was the most social thing she’d done all week and she liked wine, not because she was mourning the final death rattle of relationship that had ended more than a year and half ago. Wine definitely helped him fake a smile at least. Caspar kept hitting Lin with a net which was also entertaining. Hubert tried his best not to talk, lest he slip up and say something too honest.

***

Hubert woke up very hungover on Sunday afternoon alone in his bed and in his clothes from last night with his contacts still glued to his eyeballs. His nearby switch on <10% battery life and his island was landscaped in an extremely weird way. He had definitely had at least one bottle of wine by himself, and had maybe opened another. He needed water. He needed ibuprofen. He kind of also needed to vomit.

Hubert stumbled into his bathroom and was met with a surprised shout of protest as the door bumped into Caspar’s knees. “Woah! A little privacy here,” said Caspar from the toilet as he pushed the door shut again.

“Sorry,” said Hubert in shock as he back tracked towards his kitchen sink for an emergency expulsion of stomach acid. He didn’t remember much of what happened after the video chat ended and him going into his room. He poured himself a glass of water and folded over the kitchen island in agony.

“You doing okay?” asked Caspar with great hesitation when he finally came into the kitchen.

“Your voice is very loud,” groaned Hubert as he held his aching head.

“My voice is always this loud,” said Caspar as he pulled the leftover pizza from the fridge.

“I know, that’s the problem,” said Hubert as he glared.

Caspar returned the look but said nothing. He reheated the pizza over the stove and eventually pushed a piece towards Hubert who was split between wanting the greasy goodness, and feeling his stomach flip.

“Did we?” Hubert’s voice trailed off, uncertain if he wanted to know what kind of mess he was last night.

“No,” said Caspar firmly. “I put you to bed and slept on the couch.”

“Sorry,” murmured Hubert. He didn’t usually get sloppy like that, but last night had been an exceptional bummer.

“Thank you for your apology, but I think Linhardt is the one you should really be apologizing to,” said Caspar in a terse voice.

Hubert froze. _Oh no_. “Did I say something?”

“Not on camera, thankfully,” said Caspar before taking a bite of his lunch. “But for supposedly being Ferdinand’s best friend, you were pretty shitty about his proposal.”

Hubert stared at his pizza as he rubbed his forehead. Caspar continued, “I mean, you’ve been very obviously jealous of Lin since he and Ferdie started going out. Like move on dude. Ferdinand is cool but he’s not the only guy on the planet.”

Hubert felt a rising suspicion in his chest, “Is that why you hooked up with me in the first place? Did Lin want you to help me move on?”

Caspar wasn’t good at hiding his emotions; he wore them proudly on his sleeve and right now he looked down right disappointed, “I took you home because I thought you’d be a good time, and I wasn’t totally wrong. Lin was actually mortified that I started sleeping with you, fuck you very much.” Caspar was now talking with his mouth full of pizza, “In fact, it almost cost me my best friend and you are definitely not worth that.”

Hubert scowled, “Oh really? What am I worth to you? Because as far as I can tell you just call me when you’re hungry or horny, and apparently you don’t have any other friends to help you out of a jam, so I’m a hotel too.”

“Damn, do you really think you’re the first person I called when I got the notice? Everyone I freaking know has either left Enbarr or lives three hours away in Gronder.” Caspar’s voice assailed Hubert’s hungover ears like a hammer on an anvil. “You were literally the last person I texted because I was feeling like shit and honestly I didn’t even expect you to respond.”

Hubert’s brows knit together as he listened, “What do you mean I was the last person you called?” He had arrogantly assumed he was the first.

“I had a whole week’s notice. I went through a lot of contacts. I even considered calling my dad, who barely acknowledges me, before you,” said Caspar. He folded his arms, “So yeah fine, thank you for helping me out, but like, it’s pretty obvious you don’t like me very much so I’ll figure out a way to get out of your hair. I’m going to call up my ex-girlfriend because I can actually count on Bernie to figure out how to help me.”

Hubert felt a sudden weird shame. He didn’t dislike Caspar; he liked many things about him, Caspar was a little loud sure, and had the manners of a dumpster diving raccoon but he was also energetic and did everything (including Hubert) with enthusiasm. It was like he had on special glasses that let him just see joy in the world, and he often pointed out silver linings to things that Hubert would have otherwise missed. It was nice not to be alone during the time of social distancing, and it was made better by spending time getting to know someone who he was already intimate with. “You can still stay here.”

“Why would I want to?” asked Caspar. He gnawed on his lip and shook his head, “Look, the sex is good, but I don’t want to hang out here when you don’t like me beyond that.” Caspar pulled out his phone and walked out to take a call on the balcony, probably to Bernie to beg her to save him from Hubert.

Hubert grabbed his keys and his phone, and took a walk though Enbarr’s spooky quiet streets. He prayed to find an open convenience story to buy some sports drink from to help this self induced misery. He had two calls to make. The first was painful, but clearly very necessary. “Hello? Hubert, how are you?” asked Ferdinand.

“Hungover, on wine,” admitted Hubert. The very worst kind of hangover.

Ferdinand made a grimacing sound, “Yes, well, it was a Saturday night in quarantine. I’m sure half of Adrestia is in your shoes.”

Hubert appreciated Ferdinand’s glass half full attitude. It was one of Ferdinand’s many attractive qualities, but one that if Hubert took a step back and was perfectly honest about, was not unique to Ferdie. Ferdinand was great, but Caspar was right, Ferdinand was not the only man on the planet, and perhaps Hubert could find with someone else the spark Ferdie had found with Lin. However, Hubert would never find them if he continued refusing to look. “Anyway, I wanted to call to offer you a sincere congratulations on your engagement. I’m sorry for not making a point of doing that last night.” He was being sincere. Ferdinand deserved to be happy, even if it meant Hubert had to take a long hard look at himself to realize he hadn’t made him as happy as Lin presently was.

“Oh, thank you,” said Ferdinand with a clear hint of surprise to his words.

“I know I haven’t been a great friend these last few months,” continued Hubert, though it pained him to admit fault. He pinched his brow as he considered his words, “And on that note, I actually think I need to step back for a bit.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think I need some distance, some real distance, that I never got when we broke up,” said Hubert, who very much saw the end of their physical relationship as a breakup between boyfriends and not just a ceasing of casual sex following a failed test run living together. Being ‘just friends’ was only working for one of them, and it was hurting them both in the long run.

Ferdinand was quiet on the other end of the line. Hubert heard him inhaling and exhaling, “Why now?”

“Well, we’re social distancing, so I figured this was the perfect opportunity to try to reset since I’m guaranteed not to run into you at the office,” explained Hubert. It was a pragmatic solution born of an extremely shitty set of circumstances. They would still have to email but otherwise, they could very easily cease communication right now. “I, I am clearly not over you, and you are very happily moved on. So I need my space so that I can move on too.”

“I didn’t realize how you felt.” Ferdinand was silent and then cleared his throat, “I think this is very wise. What do you need from me?”

“No more texting me over the weekend when you can’t figure out a crossword clue,” started Hubert. He began to rattle off the list of things Ferdie needed to stop: no more pictures of funny hair braids that looked like mustaches, no more sappy made for TV movie reviews shared in exuberant detail, no more pictures of his dog doing cute things, and no more specialty coffees. On Hubert’s end, no more snarky late night jokes about the show they were both watching that made it feel like they were together, no more pictures while shopping to check if an outfit looked nice. No more surprise packets of exotic tea. No more pining. No more jealousy.

“Do you think we’ll be friends again after your break?” asked Ferdinand quietly. They were, for better or worse, actually best friends but possibly being quite toxic for each other at this moment and Hubert finally had the clarity to see that. 

“I very much hope so,” promised Hubert before politely ending the call.

His next call was to Byleth, for some advice and hopefully validation that this was the healthy thing to do. They had a long talk, as friends, and not as grad student therapist to undergrad. Byleth did however help him make a list of actual things he needed to address with his real therapist. She also made him think about what to say to Caspar. 

"You know how to make me feel better even when I'm sure nothing can," said Hubert as the conversation came to a close. 

"I take tips in bells, good luck," joked Byleth before hanging up. 

***

Hubert found Caspar looking peeved on the sofa. Caspar wasn’t usually one to frown, and it was jarring to see him so angry. “Bernie can pick me up and drop me at my brother’s place. I’ll be gone on Wednesday.”

“You may stay, if you wish,” said Hubert. The last thing he wanted was Caspar having to leave Enbarr when from the sounds of it, his family life was very complicated.

“I don’t,” said Caspar. “You don’t have to pretend to be my friend, it’s fine.”

Hubert came and took a seat on his uncomfortable arm chair that was barely used because he so rarely had guests. “I regret if I said anything unkind about Linhardt last night when I was drunk. I understand he’s your best friend, and I apologize for insinuating that you hooked up with me as part of some nefarious plot hatched with him.” Hubert’s natural inclination was towards mistrust of people’s intentions, especially people who expressed interest in him after Metodey. He was going to bring that up in his next session with Dr. Seteth as an important thing to work on.

Caspar spared Hubert a glare before returning to stare at the powered down TV. Hubert continued, “I called Ferdinand and properly congratulated him. Then I told him I want to take a break from our friendship so that I can truly move on.”

Caspar gave a small surprised snort. Hubert pursed his lips and thought about what he wanted to say, “And I apologize for telling you that you are too loud. I’m just too hungover.” Hubert looked at Caspar, and looked at the Switch and thought about his conversations with Byleth this day and in the past. “You have every right to feel angry about what’s happening in the world, and I know I have barely helped. However, Animal Crossing has been an important game for me over the last decade. It’s a happy place I can always go when things get tough. I want to share that with you. I think you should play.”

Caspar looked at him dubiously, “You’d trust me with your precious save file? What if I lose?”

“It’s not a game about winning. There’s no right or wrong way to play. It’s just about slowing down learning to enjoy the little things,” said Hubert. He paused and felt a little half smile on his lips, “The little things that are big where it counts.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Narrator: Hubert would find out, there was in fact a wrong way to play Animal Crossing.


	6. The Island is a Metaphor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have no idea what you’ve done,” whispered Hubert as he stared at the screen. He was greeted with a horror show when all the error and loading screens finally passed. “Controller, now, please.”

_4th Grade_

His dad was looking at him through the rear view mirror. Caspar sat buckled up but defiant. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” said Caspar, not that anyone in the school’s administrative office had listened.

“You can’t go around punching people because you feel like it,” said his father. His dad had grounded him for punching those kids, and banned Caspar from the N64 for two whole months, which was massively unfair.

“It wasn’t because I felt like it, they were bullying Linhardt, they kept calling him a girl,” grumbled Caspar. Linhardt was tall and thin and perfect for shoving in lockers.

“Then maybe Linhardt should stop acting like a sissy,” said Caspar’s dad gruffly. Caspar said nothing because he already knew this fight wouldn’t end with him convincing his dad otherwise.

Caspar looked out the window and realized they hadn’t taken their usual turn home, “Where are we going?”

“Duke’s Dojo,” said his father. “You need a better outlet for your energy, I’m signing you up for martial arts. Focus on sports.”

Caspar was a rough and tumble little kid. He had too much energy, he was super loud, and his father signed him up for every sport possible to help wear him out. It also didn’t hurt that sports meant his son was surrounded by similarly athletic little boys who were a much better influence in Mr. Bergliez’s option then that pansy Hevring kid who played too many video games and didn’t get outside enough.

Caspar ended up going to Mr. Fraldarius’ karate lessons from age 10 until he and Felix both enrolled at Oghma State for college.

_8th Grade_

“Dude, there’s this cool thing called clearing the search history of the family computer,” warned Kevin, Caspar’s older brother.

Caspar turned a particular shade of pink, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah clearly, hence all these dicks,” said Kevin as he showed Caspar all the suggestive URLs he’d been visiting while desperately trying to figure himself out. “Unless you’re suggesting this was mom—”

Caspar wondered if anyone had spontaneously combusted from embarrassment before. His brother gave him a pitying look. “Don’t use the desktop for porn, dad will lose his shit, definitely don’t use it for gay porn because then,” Kevin’s voice trailed off. He sighed and walked Caspar through using a private browser and clearing out the cache of cookies and stored websites that their parents definitely did not need to see.

Kevin put his hand on Caspar’s shoulder, “Hey, I’ll kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

“No you won’t,” said Caspar, his spirits slightly lifted as they raced each other down to the basement. Loser always got the wonky controller. Kevin did the honors of giving the N64 cartridge a good blow before they set it to random and played away the afternoon until their parents got home from work.

Later, when Kevin departed for college he ceremonially presented Caspar with the good controller, “You’ve graduated from the bitch controller. Use your power wisely.” Caspar would continue to play that same old system with content for years. It was of course fun to play with Linhardt’s newer games, but it was also extremely fun to stick Lin with the bitch controller and kick his butt in every competitive game.

_10th Grade_

Caspar had argued with his teacher that sitting behind Raphael was just asking for him to fail math class. He literally could not see the board around Raph’s massive noggin, but he had memorized the curve of his ears and the slump of his big shoulders. They were on the wrestling team together, and Caspar would totally let Raphael pin him to the mat any time (although they were like three weight classes apart so they weren’t actually training together). He was idly staring now at the spot where Raph’s hair transitioned into giant, meaty neck and vaguely wondering what it would be like to kiss that fade.

Homecoming was fast approaching and Hilda and Claude, arguably the two most popular people in their class, were way too excited for it. They would not shut up about it. Caspar wasn’t even sure if he was going; Lin thought it was dumb but all of Caspar’s many, many sports friends were of course going. As Caspar waited for geometry to start, Hilda put her hand square on his textbook, “Casparrrr.”

Oh no. Not this again. She had a big crush on him and everyone thought she was super hot, everyone except Caspar. “Hilda, get off my book.”

“Caspar, do you have a date to homecoming yet? Because if not, I’m wearing pink and I want you pick me up at 6 so we can take pictures at Claude’s—”

“He’s taking me,” piped up a small squeaky voice from beside Caspar.

Hilda and Caspar’s eyes both traced over to mousy little Bernie, drowning in her sweatshirt and face framed with frizzy purple hair. Caspar liked Bernie just fine, but if he wasn’t attracted to (allegedly) 10/10 Hilda he wasn’t going to suddenly fall for her. However, taking Bernie to homecoming meant not taking Hilda, who definitely wanted to make out with him. He knew this because she kept starting rumors they were dating to try to do the work of getting him to ask her out. He mostly just asked her to cut it out.

“Yep, me and Bernie, sorry Hilda,” said Caspar.

Hilda looked at the two of them in disbelief, “Is this a joke?”

“Nope,” said Caspar. After class, Caspar very awkwardly looked at Bernadetta for the first time for more than a passing glance, “Uh was that a joke?”

“Oh, uh,” Bernie stammered often. “I just know she’s been bugging you all week. I thought this would help give you an excuse to get out of it.”

“Thanks,” said Caspar. He paused and looked at Bernie again, “Do you want to go to the dance together?”

Bernie’s gray eyes widened as she stared. Caspar watched as she smiled, revealing her mouth full of braces. A blush had set across her face as she nodded but made no words. “Cool,” said Caspar as he decided he was going to the dance after all.

He couldn’t drive so his dad had to take him to Bernie’s for pictures that would adorn the Bergliez’s mantle for years. Caspar wore his nicest pants and a dress shirt with a tie that sort of matched Bernie’s very modest purple dress. Bernie’s dad was intense but he seemed to hit it off with Caspar’s dad and he warily approved of Caspar because he was from ‘good people’. Bernie was shy and kind of sort of going through a ‘please don’t look at me’ phase. Caspar was very popular and an award winning jock. Bernie’s dad not subtly suggested she shouldn’t mess things up. Caspar was super glad to get out of there and to the dance.

However, Bernie didn’t want to dance so Caspar practically carried her to the dance floor to force her to have a great time. She started to come out of her shell around him by the end of the night. So much so that she shyly tried to hold his hand while they waited in the parking lot for Caspar’s dad to pick them up.

Caspar froze up, “Uh.”

“Oh no, you hate me,” blurted out Bernie in horror. She looked like she was about to cry.

“No! No I don’t hate you, I just, I,” Caspar’s stomach was in total knots. He whispered, for real, “I just don’t like girls like that.”

“Oh,” said Bernie, almost sounding relieved. “Alright then.”

“Is it alright?” Caspar knew his father would not be as cool as Bernie about such a confession.

“Do you not want anyone to know?” asked Bernadetta quietly.

Caspar shook his head, “Absolutely not.”

Bernadetta pursed her lips and presented him her little finger, “I pinky promise not to tell anyone.”

Caspar gave her a grateful smile as they linked fingers, “You know Bernie, you’re cool.”

Bernadetta blushed a lot at that. “I don’t think anyone thinks I’m cool. I wish I were, but I know I’m kind of a spaz, I know that’s what people say behind my back.”

Caspar frowned, “Well those people are idiots.” He paused and gave her a look, “What if you were dating a cool jock? You’d be cooler by association.”

“Are you going to introduce me to one?” Bernadetta did not sound very excited by the prospect.

“Well, people wouldn’t wonder who I like if I had a girlfriend, and people wouldn’t call you a spaz if you had a boyfriend who knows karate.”

After that they were pretty much steady. They went to movies together and the mall. Sometimes they even hung out in Caspar’s basement and played video games. They made out a little to practice for when they finally met ‘the one’, but Bernie’s braces were a big damper on that. Lin would always be his best friend, but in time Bernie became a close second, maybe even a tie. Bernie came to all his wrestling meets to cheer him on (although it turned out they both had a big crush on Raphael), and Caspar agreed to join her at the youth group club her parents forced her to go to, and even agree to a save-it-for-marriage pledge. Bernie’s dad was happy, Caspar’s dad was happy, Bernie was happy, and so Caspar was happy.

_Oghma State_

Felix and Caspar were ideal roommates. They worked out together a lot. They merged their social circles from their different high schools. Caspar brought the N64 and they became the Mario Party room on the dorm floor. Eventually they dropped Mario to become the party room during sophomore year when Felix’s older brother bequeathed him his old ID, and they could suddenly illegally buy alcohol. It was a miracle they were not caught.

Caspar was caught in a different way though. Bernie’s braces were off, and she was a lot more confident than when they’d first gone to that homecoming dance. Outside her parent’s strict house, she was ready to finally start getting physical. Everyone seemed to notice this but Caspar.

“Uh, do you need the room on Saturday, like, for you and Bernie?” Felix seemed uncharacteristically concerned.

“No, why?”

“Dude, Bernie’s been all over your junk for months, I don’t want to walk in on anything,” snarled Felix. “Can you just lose your virginity already so I can stop worrying about it?”

“Oh,” said Caspar. Bernie did smile a lot more now that her braces were off. She was also dressing much more suggestively now that her parents weren’t hanging over her shoulder and monitoring every choice. Her hair was shinier and straighter too. She was an enviable girlfriend and she spent a lot of time in their dorm room.

Caspar thought about this; they were friends, but she never wanted to hang out in her room if Felix was around. Caspar realized Bernie had a major crush on his roommate…who was acting very jealous of Caspar. OH MY GODDESS. They liked each other.

“Do you like like Bernie?” asked Caspar with a shit eating grin plastered to his face. 

Felix turned crimson and looked like he was going to break Caspar like a board. “What the hell? I wouldn’t try to steal your girlfriend!”

“I need to tell you something,” said Caspar as he decided that Bernie no longer acted in a way that made people make fun of her and didn’t need him as her shield, and she could score a boyfriend who was much better at karate anyway. He decided he was finally ready to try out being himself.

Caspar was single for the first time in a long time, and started going after what he wanted. Unfortunately what he wanted didn’t always mesh with what he got. Caspar was popular, hot, and the kind of guy that scored at parties like it was his job. The problem was that guys who hooked up with him really never wanted to do anything other than sex. He got an unfortunate front row seat to why one morning when he slid in late to his class and landed behind a weekend hook-up in a massive lecture hall.

“Whatever happened with that dude you went home with on Saturday?”

“Oh we hooked up, it was fine,” said Caspar’s most recent rendezvous with a sort of bored tone. “He was kinda, I don’t know, hot and dumb I guess? The sex was good, I just don’t want to hang out with him.”

Caspar put up the hood of his sweatshirt and wished it blocked noise. He was solidly a C student in a major that a lot of people looked down on, but he didn’t think he was _that_ dumb. It stung. Did everyone feel that way? He decided to do a quick survey in his dorm room, “Am I dumb?”

“Is this some sort of trick question,” sniped Felix as his smash character — always Captain Falcon — punched Caspar’s — always Fox — off the stage.

“Felix be nice,” snapped Bernie/Kirby as she smacked her new boyfriend from the stage and into space. The game pronounced him dead. “Caspar you’re not dumb, you’re just dense sometimes.”

Caspar wasn’t sure he was smart enough to see the difference, “Thanks, sheesh.”

“I don’t know, you don’t always listen, sometimes you just do,” said Bernie as she pumped her arms in virtual victory. “But you’re very sweet! Best fake boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

He didn’t want to be a fake boyfriend, he wanted to be someone’s real boyfriend. Caspar focused on school and got his GPA up from a 2.2 to a 3.1 by the time he graduated but it didn’t really seem to help all that much in his personal life.

Bernadetta and Felix got married the summer after senior year. Caspar got a little drunk at the reception and ended up caught in a stairwell making out with Linhardt’s +1 by Bernie’s dad of all people who of course called Mr. Bergliez about it. Caspar moved out of his parents within the week. He didn’t take much with him to Enbarr other than some clothes, and his N64 because right now, escaping into a familiar video game was just about the only comforting thing he had.

_6 months ago_

Hubert was a very serious dork, or at least that was Linhardt’s working hypothesis about his least favorite person. Linhardt was sharing pictures from some company picnic Ferdinand took him to where everyone had to wear matching ‘Strike Force’ shirts designed by Edelgard, and enforced unironically by Hubert. “I can’t believe you slept with him,” mused Linhardt. “Did he grimace the whole time?”

“Not that I noticed,” said Caspar with a shrug. Lin just knew about the first time, not the second.

Linhardt tolerated Hubert because he was Ferdinand’s friend, but the tension was high. Meanwhile, Caspar wondered if things with Hubert were going anywhere other than sex. If they weren’t then he should probably cut it out, because Linhardt was absolutely convinced that Hubert was still completely in love with Ferdinand, and was trying to undermine him at every turn. However, if it wasn’t like that then it couldn’t hurt to keep seeing him and maybe he and Lin would warm to each other in the long run if Lin could be convinced Hubert wasn’t in love with Ferdinand! Caspar decided to try a little experiment: would Hubert come over and hang out? Like a date, but maybe Caspar shouldn’t call it that lest he scare him away? He had no experience with this, and was improvising.

 **Caspar** : Yo u wanna hang out?

 **Hubert** : What do you mean by hang out?

 **Caspar** : I think u know what I mean ;) Play some games, c where things go

Hubert showed up with a bag of stuff from a convenience store he had clearly hit up on his way over. Chips, condoms, lube. Very romantic. “What game did you have in mind?”

“Strip Mario Party,” said Caspar. “Whoever loses a mini game has to remove an article of clothing. If we both lose to the AI, we both have to remove an item.” Hubert didn’t know it but he was getting the slightly busted controller.

“Fine,” Hubert kept his jacket on. “What does the winner get?”

Caspar wondered how far he could take this, “Winner gets a blow job from the loser.”

“Interesting,” said Hubert with a slight curl to his lip as he sat down on Caspar’s futon. Things got heated fast because Mario Party was not a game people played with friends they wanted to keep. Hubert argued vehemently that a belt was in fact a stand alone article of clothing as was his watch. Caspar was down to his boxers and one sock, while Hubert was sitting with goosebumps in nothing as the final stars were tallied and Caspar was declared victorious.

“You gave me a messed up controller,” whispered Hubert, who had noted the drift more than once. “You cheated. Aren't you supposed to be nice?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I believe we had a deal,” grinned Caspar. He got excited as Hubert glowered at him, ever a sore loser, and got down on his knees to pull Caspar’s boxers off. Caspar tried not to stare as Hubert took him into his mouth. Caspar shut his eyes as he relaxed.

Hubert’s hands had come up and were spreading Caspar’s knees apart as the bigger man drew in closer. Eventually Hubert pulled up and off, his lips wet as he licked them, “Do you want to take this further?”

Caspar really wanted his dick back in _something_ and he nodded. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to be on top of you,” said Hubert as he locked eyes with Caspar, who nervously nodded.

He wasn’t averse to it at all, but he also was usually the guy calling the shots. “Okay, sure.”

Hubert flashed a brief smile and then went back to sucking Caspar off, but now his fingers were involved. Hubert had fished the lube free from his convenience store bag, and he did the courteous thing of warming it up before starting to slide his fingers into Caspar. Between that and the ongoing oral Caspar was heavily concentrating trying not to cum. Hubert came up for air and peeled off his own remaining underclothes and hurried to get on a condom and Caspar found himself being moved onto all fours. He felt the first thrust most but then Hubert’s arm was coming around him to start pumping Caspar’s cock and his brain just shut off for a little while he stopped worrying so much if Hubert liked him or not. Did it matter that much if this kept happening?

Eventually though it did start to matter. Hooking up and playing a few games after was fun, and going out for some quick food after was nice, but Caspar wasn’t as dumb as people assumed. He could see the hurt in Hubert’s eyes as he stared at Ferdinand and Linhardt. So Caspar gave up on trying to ignore it, and just laid out how he felt. This relationship was a busted up as the bitch controller. 

_Yesterday Morning_

“Bernie?”

“Yeah, what’s going on, you sound messed up,” said Bernadetta as he heard her going away from the source of some nearby noise. Probably her and Felix’s baby, or maybe their dog, or cat, it was hard to tell sometimes.

“Can I call in a big favor?” This was huge. He needed her to drive three hours to Enbarr and three hours back to Gronder in her tiny car that they were going to have to attempt to jam as much stuff as possible in. Thankfully, his best fake girlfriend ever promised to figure out a way to come through, even though she was terrified of highway driving.

_Present_

Hubert was inspired by Saturday’s workout and went for his first run in months to kick off Monday morning. He didn’t cross a single person which felt very weird, but exercising felt good. His condom order had also arrived although he wasn’t sure it was going to be very needed. Hubert opened the box and was greeted not with condoms but a form apology and the ‘next closest item’. He stared at a bag of party balloons with consternation. Yes, that big corporate online store would be getting the most scathing review he could write.

By 8 am he was showered, breakfasted, and ready to work. Hubert resisted his natural impulse to fire up Animal Crossing to get some quick play in before he had to be on the clock. Last night he had helped Caspar create a profile and save file, and even gave him enough bells to get from his tent into a single room house and purchase a few tool recipes. Hubert took his extra time to make a list of real life goals instead of the game’s goals: chop some wood, pop some balloons, catch fish and bugs. No Hubert was turning over a New Leaf and focusing on New Horizons. He had some real goals now: trying to get his running mileage back up to where it was before winter, call his mother more often, and don’t get hungover on wine.

Caspar was still sleeping on the couch, and so Hubert quietly left a note by the controller, “When in doubt just ask Tom Nook what to do.” He went to his office and fired up his work computer so that he could crush the corporate competition.

Hubert emerged hours later for his lunch break. He had possibly made his rival Hilda Goneril cry over threatening legal action over Alliance Inc’s planned merger with Faerghian Corp. Caspar was still in his pajamas playing the game.

“I think I understand this game now,” said Caspar happily as he chased bugs around a Mystery Island. “It’s not quite what I was expecting.”

It had not been what Hubert was expecting either when he had played for the first time. Caspar had managed to make his character’s hair blue, suggesting he was getting along in progress just fine. Hubert resisted the urge to hover while making suggestions, and fixed them both sandwiches instead.

It was kind of fun watching Caspar discover bugs and fish on the Mystery Island, and Hubert realized this game was relaxing to watch as well as play. “See I unlocked the weapon swapper,” said Caspar enthusiastically.

“They’re tools, not weapons,” corrected Hubert.

“An axe is a weapon. A shovel is a weapon. A slingshot is a weapon,” said Caspar. He’d clearly been buying up more sturdy tool recipes from Timmy and Tommy. Hubert was strangely proud to see Caspar learning a new game and having a good time. Hubert felt content, made himself more coffee and wished Caspar luck before going back to his office.

At 5 pm Hubert shut down his work computer and hung up his headset. He had totally quashed Claude’s plans today, and that deserved a reward. Normally, Hubert would treat himself to browsing a fan forum or with more gaming, but he was instead going to reward himself by making something fancy for dinner with that time instead. He was going to flex his quarantine cooking skills and make pasta from scratch. Maybe that would dazzle Caspar enough to make him warm back up to Hubert, even if only slightly.

As he walked into the living room Caspar looked up, still in his pajamas. He had been playing all day, well at least that was a sign that he was enjoying himself. “Hey man, by the way, your system clock was way off, but I fixed it,” said Caspar cheerfully.

“Excuse me?” Oh no. Hubert very vaguely remembering time traveling while wine-wasted. Something about a plan to max out the bells in his savings account. Caspar had undone the time travel without taking any precautions. Hubert was afraid to look.

“Yeah, Ferdie and Lin are going to visit, if you don’t mind,” explained Caspar. “I switched profiles to get online—”

The Dodo Airline cutscene was announcing Ferdinand’s arrival to the island. Hubert’s eyes widened in horror and he did the only thing he could think to do: he hit the power button on his wifi router and killed the network communication.

“What was that for?” asked Caspar in disbelief.

“You have no idea what you’ve done,” whispered Hubert as he stared at the screen. He was greeted with a horror show when all the error and loading screens finally passed. “Controller, now, please.”

Caspar held out the controller and Hubert took a deep breath as started to virtually walk around the island. It was nearly unrecognizable. Hubert’s mailbox was stuffed with sad good byes from his favorite villagers that he had been to over 100 mystery islands to acquire. Weeds dotted the landscape. This was sad, but to be expected. However, that really failed to explain the total dystopia that was the Island formerly known as Teravestra.

“Why are there no trees?” Hubert finally asked as he walked through the rows upon rows of stumps that had been his precious orchard.

“Well, to get nook miles I had to chop wood,” said Caspar. “They grow back, right?”

“No,” whispered Hubert as he looked the spots where his rocks had been. Those were all gone too. Caspar had been crafting in the game, but all he was catching was trash instead of fish. Stacks of DIY trash recipes filled the town with thumb harps and waste bags. Caspar didn’t have many recipes, so he had made camp fires, one of the most simple. It looked, to put it bluntly, like a post apocalyptic wasteland of tire toys and bonfires.

Hubert did not want to think about the hours wasted nor the time it would take to fix this. All his flowers were gray. It was a ghost town (and not even the good ghost Wisp). Hubert turned off Animal Crossing and went into the kitchen to mix himself a strong drink. Fuck the wine, was this a vodka or a tequila level crisis?

“What’s going on, you’re acting pissy,” said Caspar hesitantly. His good mood was quickly dampening again.

Hubert didn’t really know what to say. He wasn’t going to cry over a game, even if he had put in about three days worth of straight play. This was definitely his fault for time traveling while drunk. It turned out there was a wrong way to play the game, and this was it.

Hubert considered his options. He could get mad at Caspar for just doing his best, and watch him leave for good. He could be mad at himself, but that didn’t fix his island. Hubert closed his eyes and took two deep breaths and visualized how he was going to fix this. “Did you enjoy playing?”

“Yeah,” said Caspar.

“Good,” said Hubert. He put the liquor back, he did have to work tomorrow, and got out the flour, “I was thinking pasta for dinner.”

“You can make pasta, like from scratch?”

Hubert nodded. He had learned just to impress Ferdinand one time, “Do you wish to learn?” Caspar excelled at the kneading portion of the lesson and an hour later they were eating some very comforting food while Hubert looked up how to do a nuclear reset of an Animal Crossing game.

“What are you doing?” asked Caspar as Hubert opened the data management menu in the settings. Hubert looked wistfully at his save file and all the things it represented. An island was a lot like a relationship; it required tending, love and care, and if the only point of it was to make someone else jealous, well that wasn’t very good at all. That was a desert island upon which nothing would survive.

Hubert deleted it. Though it killed him a little inside to have wasted the long weekend, and possibly the last seven months with Caspar, this felt right. No more time traveling to get items in the game. No more using Caspar to distract himself from the absence of Ferdinand.

“I think you and I deserve a fresh start,” said Hubert as he opened the game anew. “What shall we call this?” _Their_ island needed a name.


	7. A Much Needed Restart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hubert learns that it's not always best to time travel through a relationship, and sometimes just playing things slow is its own reward.

It was an orange fruit island, with lilies. They had, after some back and forth about the 10 character limit, settled on calling the place CasHue because it sounded like cashew which made Caspar chuckle a bit because of how phallic that nut looked. Caspar pitched his tent right next to Hubert’s and called them neighbors but sharing an island quickly showed them how poorly supported multiplayer mode was in an otherwise charming game, so Hubert just let Caspar take over playing.

“So wait, the island isn’t supposed to be covered in trash?” clarified Caspar as he used a flimsy rod to reel in another sea bass.

“The spawn rates get affected by the surrounding conditions,” said Hubert as he watched. “Trees don’t grow back, flowers do. Rocks respawn, but only one a day.”

“Huh, okay,” said Caspar as he left a rock alone. After about forty minutes, Caspar had easily exhausted his attention span with the game and offered Hubert back the controller.

Hubert shook his head and shut the console off instead, “Let’s do something else.” Animal Crossing was fun, but unless you were playing with the system clock, one could only play for so long without things getting repetitive and dull.

They ended up watching a dumb movie about teens trying to experience as many things as possible in one night and spent most of the movie discussing their own questionable life choices growing up. By the time the movie was done it was getting to be Hubert’s work night bed time. He paused and looked at Caspar, still in his pajamas from last night, “Are we okay now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you still leaving on Wednesday?”

Caspar stared at Hubert and then frowned, “Well, I don’t really wanna go home, but, if I stay will that be weird? I just, I don’t really want to be your friend with benefits anymore.”

Goodbye fun casual sex. Hubert nodded, “That’s understandable. Would you like to try being just friends?”

Caspar folded his arms and looked unconvinced, “Can I try taking you on a date?”

Now it was Hubert’s turn to look dubious, “Why would you want to do that?”

“I like how you look, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I wouldn’t mind dating you,” said Caspar with an easy air.

“You wouldn’t mind—”

Caspar gestured around the apartment, “My options are limited.” He laughed at Hubert’s facial expression and smiled, “Let me take you on a date tomorrow, then I’ll decide if I’m staying or going.”

“What exactly do you have in mind?”

“Let me worry about that,” said Caspar with a wink.

What did Hubert have to lose? “Alright then, see you after work tomorrow for a date.” Hubert had low expectations.

Following a rousing day of work filled with much zoom based menacing, Hubert was met with his dining table actually cleared of junk and set with plates and utensils. Caspar had gone out to do a little shopping and had prepared something for dinner from scratch. Hubert poked at the little strange misshaped lumps on his plate, “What is it?”

“Malfatti,” said Caspar with an exaggerated Enbarr accent. “You inspired me with your pasta making. This was the easiest recipe I could find, it means malformed. I figured I couldn’t mess it up.”

The name was fitting for the irregular little ricotta dumplings on the plate, but they tasted surprisingly good. “Compliments to the chef. I did not realize you could cook.”

“I’ve never really had much of a kitchen to experiment in,” shrugged Caspar. He looked at the great big pile of dishes presently filling Hubert’s sink, “Although take-out has it’s charms.”

They asked all the normal first date questions: do you have siblings, what are your hobbies, what are your plans? Neither really had much of one. Hubert had helped Edelgard rise to CEO of her father’s company, pulling it up from the red and back into the black. Caspar was wanted to apply for a real teaching job when all this was over. It was comforting to talk to someone not trying to get onto Enbarr’s Hot 30 under 30 like Edelgard and Ferdinand, or a literal genius like Linhardt. If Hubert was honest, talking to Caspar reminded him a great deal of talking to Byleth; he was just a normal person willing to listen and share, and not trying to climb to some new heights.

They did the dishes and kept on talking, for the first time actually taking the time to get to know the other. Hubert poured himself some wine and studied Caspar in the kitchen, “This has been unexpectedly nice. Would you care to come back to my place for a drink?” He toasted his glass in the direction of the couch.

Caspar laughed and poured himself a glass of wine. Hubert wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Caspar drink anything other than the cheapest of beers, but perhaps he could sit at the adults’ table after all. “Is this you inviting me in?”

“I believe you’ve seen me at my worst, I would appreciate it if you allowed me to try and show you my best,” said Hubert as he watched Caspar trying out fifty different ways to hold the stem of the wine glass.

Hubert’s best was a slow teasing make-out session focused on Caspar’s lips then trailing down his neck. Hubert started to unzip his pants when Caspar pulled back, “Hey, I don’t do that on the first date.”

Hubert zipped his fly back up, “Noted.” Like the game, perhaps time traveling right to getting his cock out was also ill advised here. He supposed he wouldn’t have done that to a new person on a first date either, and reminded himself that he’d already reset things once, and he might not get a third chance.

Caspar grinned, “Thanks for being cool about this.” There was no point in rushing because Hubert felt like he had nothing but time on his hands right now. No one had ever properly romanced Caspar before, and Hubert was honored to be trusted with the task.

“In that case, I need another sad children’s movie so that I’m not tempted,” said Hubert as he grabbed the remote and tried to find that movie about the old man with the house floating with balloons. It was very hard to be horny watching a sweet geriatric old man lose the love of his life, even as little spoon Caspar settled his ass suggestively against Hubert. Finally Hubert settled for slipping his hand up into Caspar’s shirt to rub at his muscles, “Are you enjoying your first date?”

“I am,” said Caspar as he pulled out his phone. “If it’s okay by you, I’m going to stay.” Bernie responded to his message with smiling, crying emojis of joy.

What Hubert had been hoping would only be a three week self-isolation period stretched well into early summer. Since they had no where else to be, each night became a new chance at a date. They steamed nature documentaries to feel like they were visiting somewhere new, and there was of course the allure of visiting their little paradise of CasHue.

Caspar would tend their Animal Crossing island in the mornings, and Hubert would log on in the evenings. Sometimes he’d receive an item and a cute note from Caspar in his mailbox, _“Found this in a tree yo :D”_. Other times it would be a DIY recipe left on his doorstep. They learned to leave some fossils to find, and rocks to hit, for the other. They combined their skills to finally (finally!) make a coveted Ironwood Kitchenette.

Once they unlocked the landscaping tools, things really took off. By then they’d had two weeks worth of dates, and Caspar had come to join Hubert in bed at night. Right now he was trying to be a backseat driver over Hubert’s shoulder as he re-positioned his house. “Dude, no, now you’re too far away,” complained Caspar as he watched islander Hubie picking his new spot.

Hubert was soon busy digging a river to divide the island in two. “There, now you can plant your trees wherever you please, and I can have my rows of flowers neat and tidy,” said Hubert as he created a central body of land to hold their museum and shops.

Hubert’s half of CasHue was orderly and social media worthy. Caspar’s side of the island was interesting…it was haphazard plantings and DIY projects scattered about. Though it pained a tiny bit of his heart, Hubert was alright with the knowledge they’d probably never rise above being a three star island. That was alright because things in the relationship were beginning to feel like a five star island through and through.

**1.5 years later**

“Will you please hold still for two seconds,” begged Hubert as he grabbed his boyfriend by his buff shoulders. Caspar’s deltoids were threatening to rip the seams on this rental suit. Hubert patiently wiped food (where had Caspar gotten a snack?!) from the corner of Caspar’s lips. “You’re like a baby, how do you function as an adult?”

“A sugar baby?” teased Caspar, probably because he knew Hubert loathed the term.

“Stop. Do you have the rings?”

Caspar patted his breast pocket and paled, “Shit.” Hubert was not amused as Caspar broke into a laugh. “Of course I have them, Ferdinand would murder me if I didn’t.”

Caspar was Linhardt’s best man. Hubert was friends again with Ferdinand, but Lorenz was taking the honor standing beside him during this ceremony. Hubert was very okay with that because this venue was packed to the brim with people and the last thing he’d want was all those eyes upon him.

Hubert stared down at Caspar and then gave him a quick kiss, “Okay good luck, don’t fuck up. I’ll be watching.”

“’Kay Daddy,” said Caspar with a playful pinch of Hubert’s rear. The ‘daddy’ thing had started as a joke on Hubert’s 30th and he did not like it at all especially after meeting Caspar’s terse father not too long ago.

“I’m going now you little jerk,” warned Hubert.

“Hey wait, c’mere,” said Caspar as he grabbed Hubert around the waist and tip toed up to smooch him. “There, okay, now you can go.”

It was a magnificent wedding that Hubert would have absolutely hated to plan. Byleth stood with him during the reception, watching as Caspar dominated the dance floor with Bernie, whom Hubert had grown quite fond of, “You think you’ll be the next wedding?”

It was a natural question to ask, though Hubert was content not having an answer. They were living together, but no longer in the cramped single person condo. Hubert had finally taken a big step and purchased a house, so they weren’t completely on top of each other anymore. Caspar had gotten a permanent teaching position and was coaching little league, which was a nice job Hubert could tell his mother about. Hubert was actually working out and was no longer getting called skinny fat. They could now make a passable pizza from scratch together; one half was often covered in vegetables and pepper flakes, while the other half was a patchwork of pepperoni.

They were still playing Animal Crossing in tiny increments almost everyday, and CasHue had flourished into a four star island. They’d had their first major fight when Hubert encouraged one of Caspar’s favorite villagers to move away, and Hubert had to absolutely grind for nook miles and reach out online to figure out how to get stupid Moose back. Hubert got mad when Caspar terraformed a dick shaped pond in the middle of the island, with a gratuitous spilling waterfall from the tip that was very difficult to get back to normal. They worked together to get the entirety of the Cherry Blossom set and were the envy of all their friends. They didn’t time travel because they were too busy doing other things together in the post-quarantine world to leave enough time to play for endless hours.

“I don’t know, we’re not in a rush,” said Hubert with a small smile as he watched Caspar busting some extremely unique moves and then locking eyes on Hubert. Caspar playfully pretended to throw a lasso, and Hubert excused himself to go join his favorite person on the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks for reading! The enthusiastic comments were greatly appreciated because this has definitely been one of my worst fics in terms of views relative to chapters. I realize Hubert and Caspar aren't for everyone, especially layered in with failed Ferdibert and a modern AU, but I think they are the true Bert and Ernie of this series if you subscribe to chaos and order muppet theory (which if you don't, uh, google that, it's a nice laugh).
> 
> May your animal crossing islands and lives reach 5 stars and hopefully life goes back to normal sooner rather than later.


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